and i u n f o l d

My head hurts.

I concede defeat. For tonight at least.

I have like 1,000+ words stringed together to form the beginnings of an incoherent essay. My mind just feels muddled and I don’t know what to do. So, my efforts for today end here. I need to regroup, reassess the material I’ve read, reassess my argument and continue writing tomorrow. At this point, I’m fighting a losing battle. Sigh.

In case you’re wondering, my essay’s on the rise of China (and what it means for security in East Asia). It’s not as boring or dry as I thought it’d be, but there are many divergent views on it and right now, my mind is so fragmented. So… I give up, for the moment. And I don’t quite care that I’ll be handing in the paper late. Cos if I do try to finish it tonight, it’ll be utter crap. At least, with more time, it won’t be quite so shitty. Hahahah. And I’m glad it’s only 20% of my grade. At least, I can still theoretically redeem myself by doing well for the final. Of course, that’s in theory only… but hope is good. Heh.

So, yeah. Now I’m gonna comfort myself with brownies.

Dread.

Dread dread dread.

I really really don’t feel like starting on my 4,000 word essay that’s due tomorrow (!!). I’ve been reading/researching since Thursday, and I haven’t finished reading the articles I found. And it’s 4000 words… for 20% of my grade. Damnit. I’m so tempted to hand it in a day late, to give myself more time to work on it but I think that’d just be prolonging my misery. I think this really is the paper from HELL.

*headdesk*

My aunt and my niece, Sam, stayed over during the weekend. Which was fun. And chaotic. I am now heartily sick of “Finding Nemo” cos Sam watched that pretty much non-stop. Everytime we stopped the DVD, she went, “Nemo!” and we’d put it back on. Hahahah. She’s a cute kid.

Okay, I need to just suck it up and write this damned paper. Grrrr.

So, the essay is finished. And caffeine has just kicked in. Funnnn.

I’m trying not to think about the fact that I need to start research/reading up for my next essay. Oyyy.

So, to amuse myself, I’ve been re-reading past entries, those during my 4 months there in particular. (Hmm, I think I should coin a phrase for that time… but nothing catchy comes to mind. Hahah.) And I have been thoroughly amused. It’s kinda funny to look back, especially since the memories are still pretty fresh in my head. And all my gushing and babbling about YKW? Priceless. Just priceless. The melodrama! The angst! The funny thing is that I can laugh at myself now but at the same time, I distinctly remember what I was thinking and feeling at those points of time, and those real those feelings were. And it’s also kinda funny to see how totally driven crazy I was by a boy. Heh.

And I was thinking about other things that happened while I was there that I didn’t blog about cos I was so consumed with talking about YKW. Hahahaha. Hoooopeless.

Hmm, now “apt” that I’m listening to BBMak’s “Back Here” now. Heh.

Oh oh. One song that I’ve really been loving is Tony Lucca’s “It’s You.” I mean, I’ve always loved it… but y’know how after some time, you don’t really pay attention to song lyrics? That’s what happens with me sometimes, and when I started to pay attention to the lyrics again, daaaaamn. That is one sad, pining song. I’ve been listening to it a lot, recently, usually before I go to bed… and it’s just so effing angsty.

Y’know, I almost hate that time you spend in bed between wakefulness and sleep, when you’re lying there and staring into the semi-darkness, when your mind just goes places and you wonder and you think and you hope… it just kinda makes me wistful about my life.

I wonder if dreams really do have meaning. I hear stuff about how your dreams are the last thing you think about before you fall asleep or what your subconscious mind desires. But I dunno. I usually don’t remember my dreams, but when I do, it makes me wonder if it means anything.

Daaamn. This is a sad playlist… “Collide” is playing now. I love this song so much. Sigh.

I’m in the middle of writing a paper, so of course I had to take a “break”. Hahahaha. I’m like a quarter-way through it… but given that it’s only about 4pm now, I’m feeling positive. I actually skipped classes yesterday so that I could finish reading and doing research. And it just hit me that since Friday is Good Friday, I’ll only be in school once this week (tomorrow). Heh. I really am a bad student.

While I’m not really in an essay-writing mood, reading up on the Iraq war has been interesting. And there’s so much information that I’m not sure how I’m gonna pull things together. On the upside, this means that getting to the 1500-2000 word count will be easier, in a way. I hate it when I have nothing to say in an essay and it’s a pain to reach that damn word count.

I have another paper due next Monday, so once I’m done with this one, I need to start on the other. That one has to be like 4000, so it’s gonna be a major pain. What makes it worst is that it’s only 20% of the grade- all that work and writing for 20%. Damn.

And a little further down the calendar, I have a paper for my Bio class (I still haven’t found a group, damnit) and my anthropology research paper (which should be fun, though there’s a lot to do). Aaargh. The stress and workload is mounting!

I was in KL on Friday/Saturday with my parents (and hence, skipped my Friday classes!). I told my mom about wanting to go to the tsunami aid concert but since the cheaper tickets were all sold out, she (and I too) wasn’t too keen on paying RM$352 each. Backstreet performed like 10 songs!1!!!1!!! Goddamnit. I totally didn’t expect them to give such a long performance; I thought they’d maybe sing 3 songs and that’d be it. It wouldn’t really have been worth it to pay that much (even though all the proceeds went to charity). BUT! They sang almost a concertful of songs. AND THEY DID THE HAT DANCE! *dies* Which I lovelovelove! Gaaaaah. I love AIHTG! Seeing all the pics really make me wanna bash my head against my desk for not sucking it up and paying to see them. Aaaargh. Boys in white jackets and hats! Doing the Hat Dance! Singing 10 ten songs! My OTL (aka Nick) looking adorable as hell! Brrriaaaaaan! Siiigh. Next time, for sure. And there damn well better be a next time too. [/end 14-year-old fangirl]

Anyway. The whole trip was a snoozefest for me, literally. I slept a lot, especially during the road trip to and fro. Heh. I’m not a big fan of KL especially cos the traffic is horrendous. We also went to this place called Bukit Tinggi, which was kinda nice… but blaah. So, yeah, I did a lot of sleeping.

I like to joke that there’s no such thing as too much sleep, but I find that I really have been sleeping a lot. Is that unhealthy? I dunno, but it’s kinda weird. Of course, with all the essay deadlines looming in the very near future, I probably won’t get much sleep afterall.

Oh, my mom found out about Juju! She was asking me how much it cost, but I wouldn’t tell her. Heh. But when we were at this electronics store, she saw the new iPods and so she probably has an idea of how much I paid for mine. Surprisingly, when she found out, she didn’t kick up a fuss; she just asked why I hadn’t said anything about it. Hahahaha. Well, at least it’s all out in the open now.

Ooookay. Enough procrastinating. Back to my paper.

It’s been a long-ass day. But it’s been fun.

The performance went as well as it could have, given that we’ve only been working on it for like 2 weeks and most of the dancers are from the junior group (and hence have little experience). It ended up looking pretty good, afterall and not a complete suckfest. Heh. The whole process of putting together the performance was fun too, which I didn’t quite expect. I thought it might’ve been weird or uncomfortable since I’ve been in such an asocial mood but I got to know some of the juniors, which was nice… dancing together does sorta like build a sense of camaraderie.

My mom came to watch the performance. I told her about it, but I didn’t think she’d come… but she did! So that was cool.

Hahahaha. Funny story. Meichan drove a carful of us to Suntec (where some of the guys performed) and we were stuck in a jam for like half an hour. We were listening to the radio and when they played hip-hop/rap music, I turned up the music and we started grooving in the car and the people in the car next to us gave us such weird looks. Hahahahhaha. It was so damn funny how people were like shocked/surprised when they saw our car rocking out. Heh. Hilarious. At one point, there was a carful of older people next to us, and the looks they gave us were like “WTF? What are those crazy kids doing?” Hahhahahah.

Anyway, a bunch of us hung out near the Fountain later on. And then we played charades which was effing funny. I swear, some of the words the guys thought of were just… wrong. Heh.

There’s a new huggeeeeeee-ass Adidas store at Suntec. That store is just heaveeeeen. You could lock me in there and I could amuse myself trying on everything. Hahahaha. A lot of great stuff, but expensive. As usual. Makes me treasure my spree at the Adidas factory outlet store at Orlando where I spent a crapload of money. I mean, that was really quite a spree, but in hindsight the stuff there was cheaper. So, it was worth it. Heh.

I saw a lovely green jacket at the store that totally reminded me of YKW. Heh. It’s just so him (since he wears green quite a bit).

On the drive home, I was talking to Meichan about him. And then I realized (not for the first time) that I talk about him waaaaay too much and that I need to stop. Hahahahah. Okay, not that I talk about him all the damn time but once I start, it’s like I can’t stop. Oyyy. Does/Will the infatuation ever end? Hell, at this point, if it wanes, I’d be relieved enough. Heh. I mean, I’ve said that it has sorta waned a little… but not really, and not to a significant point. I’m still…. interested. *headdesk*

I had intended to go clubbing tonight. For the first time since I came back. Daaamn. I’m not a big clubber, and the whole process is way too cumbersome and expensive here, what with cover charges and especially the cab fare home. And let’s not forget the parental issue. But my dad’s on his night shift today and some of my friends wanted to go, so I thought I’d take advantage of the opportunity. But in the end, pretty much everyone bailed due to tiredness and whatever… and without a group of friends/people you know, clubbing isn’t as much fun. So, I bailed too. Plus, I really am tired. And hungry (again), even though I had a mushroom swiss meal just now.

Oh wow. The day has totally caught up with me… I feel sleepy. Thank God it’s Sunday tomorrow- the day of rest! :)

OH HELL YEAH! Carolina beat Dook! 75-73!! That must’ve been an awesome, awesome game.

This weekend went by way too quickly. I had dance practices on both days, which was tiring. My head is so filled with choreography now… and given how much I obsess over dance moves, I’m gonna be thinking about them until Saturday. Or until I get them totally right and looking the way it should. Whichever happens sooner. Hahhahaah. Oyyy. Anyway, our performance is on Saturday (March 12th) at Youth Park at 5-ish. So, if you wanna see me shake my booty, drop by! Heh.

I am jinxed when it comes to computers. I sent Tristan for servicing (again) and I think he’ll be reformatted (again). And something’s up with my desktop at home too, and my dad is reformatting it too. Aaargh. I think our desktop has repeatedly committed suicide as a sign that we should buy a new one. The horrible thing is that the music I got from teh music is all lost! Aaaah, the pain!

I was chatting to Hani the other day, and I was squeeing about YKW-Japan thingy. I told her, “OMG, it’s sad that I’m so excited about the possibility of him going to Japan, even though Japan is still like a bazillion miles away!” (or something to that effect). Hahahahah. Yes, it is sad.. I’m into him waaaay too much, and I dunno how to get out of it. Aaaaah. *headdesk* I mean, it’s less intense now, but it’s still there. Damnit.

“Can’t take my mind off you…. until I find someone new,” Damien Rice says in “The Blower’s Daughter”. So bloody true. Which pretty much makes it all hopeless, cos I’m so effing picky when it comes to guys. And there is no one here I am attracted to! Oh, the horror. So, the whole finding-someone-new is a steep, uphill battle. Gah.

Bsb are gonna be in KL next week! The 14 year-old fangirl in me really really wants to go. [fangirl] Like, OMG, Nick! My OTL! [/fangirl] Hahahaha. I so need to steal him away from Nance. Heh. I’m trying to convince my mom to go (and hence, she’d pay for the pricey concert tickets and the trip. Heh), but nothing’s set in stone yet. Why oh why couldn’t they just come here instead?

I really like the Emirates tv commercial, the one that goes, “When was the last time you did something for the first time?”. I dunno, it’s just thought-provoking and makes me think about how I’m stuck in my comfort zone. Don’t get me wrong, I love my comfort zone (Heh), but being back home just sucked any adventuresome feelings out of me. I’m just content to stay in my little cocoon and mind my own business. Which has its merits, but ultimately everything’s stagnant. I dunno, sometimes I just feel like I should be doing more, doing something different, trying new things and opening myself to new experiences. I did that for 4 months of my life (and oh, the lovely memories!) and it’d be nice to go on that way.

I’ve kinda been thinking about my life and what I’m gonna do after I graduate. Grad school is an option, but given the not-so-great grades I’ve accumulated, I don’t know if it’s a surety. I don’t even know if I wanna pursue Poli Sci at a higher level. I mean, I love it, I’m interested in it (or at least some aspects of it), but it’s a competitive intellectual field and I suspect I’m not brilliant enough for it. And, if I do wanna go to grad school, I’d probably wanna go back to Carolina. Then there’s the money issue. Blaaaah.

Another option I’ve been seriously considering is being an air stewardess, only because I’d get to travel. It’d buy me some time to decide on a career choice or if I wanna study some more. I’d get to travel and see more of the world. Granted, it’s not a glamourous job (glorified waitress, really) but it has its perks. So that’s something I can do.

And, of course, I could get a serious job. Except that I don’t know what kind of job I’d want. For a long time, I wanted to work in the media, be a journalist. Some part of me still wants that… but I dunno. And there’s the fact that there are mass communications/journalism degree/diploma holders who would be better qualified for the job. So… *shrug*

Thinking about the future is hard. Sometimes I can’t believe that l’ll be turning 22 this year… it’s like, where have all the years gone? Some kind of quarter-life crisis might be happening yo. Heh.

Take the The Commonly Confused Words Test.

My results?
English Genius
You scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 93% Advanced, and 83% Expert!
You did so extremely well, even I can’t find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don’t. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you’re not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!

Test statistics:

- Compared to users who took the test and are and in your age group:
o 100% had lower Beginner scores.
o 100% had lower Intermediate scores.
o 100% had lower Advanced scores.
o 100% had lower Expert scores.
- With respect to Beginner, users aged 55 to 59 scored highest.
- With respect to Intermediate, users aged 55 to 59 scored highest.
- With respect to Advanced, users aged 55 to 59 scored highest.
- With respect to Expert, users aged 55 to 59 scored highest.

*pats self on back*

I feel gooood today. :) The past 3 days have been busy for me, and now I finally get to breathe. The Bio mid-term on Monday went well. The presentation on Tuesday didn’t happen, though I spent most of Monday night working on it, so that was a little frustrating. I handed in my 2nd paper for the anthropology class yesterday- not 100% satisfied with it, but I did a decent enough job given the time I spent on it. Let’s not forget 5 hours of class yesterday as well. Oy.

And I danced my little ass off too, despite only getting 3 hours of sleep. An hour of dance class, then about 2 hours of learning new choreography for the performance next week. Y’know how they say that exercise is good when you’re stressed? I think it’s true yo. Crazy as it may sound, I felt better last night after dancing hard and working up a sweat. And although I was complaining like crazy about the practice and wanting to go home to sleep instead, I did enjoy myself. Dance is always fun yo. Heh.

I got like 12 hours of sleep, so I feel good. All rested up.

I spent most of the time during my Security Studies class online, chatting to people in AIM, since I had my laptop with me. Hahahahaha. I am such a terrible student. But that class is seriously like a milestone around my neck. Argh. I got called on in class to answer a question yesterday and I just BS-ed my way through it. And I think the prof knew. Hahahahah. Whatever.

Anyway. I was chatting to YKW… and it seems like he might be going to Japan sometime in the summer as part of a study abroad program (he’s learning to speak Japanese). So I was like, “Y’know, Singapore’s not too far away from Japan.” Hehehehehe. And he said, “Y’know, Japan’s not too far away from Singapore.” Idiot. Hahaha. So, if anyone wants to buy me a plane ticket to Japan, you’re more than welcome. Or maybe I should accept donations. Hahahahahah. It really was nice to talk to him. :)

On the downside, I’m pissed off cos Tristan seems to have crashed again. Aaaargh. I can’t even switch it on; I get no response at all… so I’m thinking that it’s definitely hardware failure. I’m pissed cos I had it reformatted (and paid $15!) mid-February and for it to crash again so soon is infuriating. I’m gonna go back to service centre tog et it fixed and I’m gonna complain. Irritating. (So I guess when the IT dude at the Computer Centre told me that they did a lousy job at reformatting, he knew what he was talking about.)

I have a dance class later at StudioWu. My first one! Heh. I bought the package that gets me 10 classes. More dance! Hahahaha. I’m obssessed. *grin* Should be fun though.