and i u n f o l d

Luther Vandross’ “Dance With My Father” is the one song that never fails to make me cry. Something about that song gets to me… and it’s not even because I’m particularly close to my father (I’m not) but I listen to it and I get all weepy. I dunno, maybe hearing it tells me that I should appreciate my dad more. (Crap, even now as I listen to it and type this, my eyes are getting teary. Argh, I’m such a sap.)

Anyway, I’m listening to it after watching tonight’s AI4, which reminded me of how much I love this song. My mom scares me sometimes; she’s a Constantine fangirl. She gets all excited during his performances… it’s quite, odd. Hahahah.

I, on the other hand, am an Anthony fangirl. He is just too. cute. I just wanna pinch his cheeks, take him home and feed him ice-cream and watch him smile his happy smile. Heheheheh. Seriously, there’s something very likeable about him. And I think he has a good voice, just made some bad song choices. He’s vocally strong, and I think that he drew the short end of the straw because TPTB are not looking for his type. Which is a pity, but I hope that good things happen to him cos of the show. I was yelling at the tv when Ryan said he was doing Celine Dion (”What are you thinking? Do you want to be voted out?”) but boy worked it out. He did well, I thought. Though he’s probably in danger of being voted out…

And Claaaaaaay! Nice to see him in the audience. Heheh. I’m such a Clay fan. (Still bitter that his concert in Raleigh sold out. Grrrrrr. I would’ve loved to see him live.) I still think he has the best voice; I can really listen to him sing anything.

In other news, 2 finals down… one to go! Yaaaaay. The two went pretty well, to my pleasant surprise. Heh. But this third one might be a killer, so I need to be as prepared as I can be. (Or so I will try.)

Tristan (my laptop) is schizo. I brought him to school today to get him fixed… but when I switched him on, he worked perfectly fine. But just now, he was acting up again. Irritating. But he seems to be okay again, so hopefully my problems have ended. Sigh.

TAR7 coming on soon! My other fave show. :)

It’s that dreaded time of the semester: finals!

*headdesk*

And this is me feeling totally unmotivated to do anything. Usually it’s not this bad; usually I at least pretend to give a shit… but I just don’t feel like studying. I’ve tried, but after like an hour, my attention wanders and that means (a) I go online; or (b) I watch tv; or (c) I take a nap; or (d) I read a trashy romance novel. Then a little guilt and WTF-are-you-doing sets in, and I reluctantly go back to my readings/notes. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. It’s a vicious cycle yo.

I really haven’t been the best college student. There have been classes that I liked, classes that I’ve tried hard in… but for the most part, it’s just been blaaah. I haven’t really worked half as hard as I used to. It’s like I busted my ass off for the A Levels, did pretty well, and then lost all motivation.

So, if I complain about bad grades, please tell me to shut up cos I didn’t do anything to get good grades. Hahahah.

Okay, the potentially stupid thing? More like a really good thing.

*biggest grin in the whole wide world*

So, I had been thinking about doing it for a while, but since I’m a procrastinator, it took a while for me to actually do it. Hah. But I was re-inspired when I was at the Adidas store at Suntec and I saw the green wristbands. They reminded me of him, and the idea of buying them for him got stuck in my head. And Meichan kinda encouraged it. I mean, I did want to send him something as a thank-you for sending me the DVD but I didn’t know what. So, I guess that was the perfect gift. :)

Then came more procrastinating, cos I didn’t know what to write. But I finally stopped putting it off, wrote a short letter and sent off the package. Inside was the wristbands, the letter, a photo and a CD of the dance performances at Funka (since dance is our common interest, I thought he’d be interested in seeing what the dance scene is like over here).

And then, of course, in true Liza fashion, I started over-thinking it. Hence the whole potentially-stupid-thing spiel. Although I rationally knew that giving someone a gift could never be a stupid thing, I guess I wasn’t sure how he’d respond to it. Again, it sounds silly in retrospect because most people are happy to get gifts… but I was just being stupid about the whole thing.

I guess part of the deal is that throughout the time I’ve known him, I’ve always been aware of the fact that he has a girlfriend. Very aware. As much as I like him, there’s a line I won’t cross and that line is hitting on someone’s boyfriend. Not me. But we’re friends, and I like being friends with him (though, admittedly, it was sometimes excruciating), and he’s a really sweet guy and I just wanted to reciprocate some of the niceness. He knows I have a crush on him, so with the package, I was stuck in this difficult place where I wanted to do a nice thing, but at the same time, not wanting it to be too nice a thing. Hahahaha. I just read that over, and it makes little sense. It’s girl-sense, I guess. Hahahah. Or Liza-sense, cos that’s what I felt even though that was a bad explanation of it. But you get the gist.

I guess it was a potentially stupid thing because it might have said too much. What I said in the letter was also potentially stupid, for the same reason. Again, that doesn’t quite make sense… but when it comes to boys and feelings, does anything really make sense? I was just really anxious about it.

Anyway. I’ve sorta been on teeterhooks for the past 2 weeks. And tonight he IMed me, saying that he got the package. The word “awesome” was used a lot. Hee. I got all giddy (Meichan will attest to that since I was chatting to her on MSN and she witnessed the freakage) and started grinning like an idiot. (Okay, fine, I admit, just thinking about it makes me smile too. I am a sucker, yes.)

So, that was nice. *grin* All that self-inflicted anxiety was for nothing, and I’m really glad that I did it, cos it’s great to do something nice for someone.

So, yes. It was a really really good thing, not stupid at all. Hee.

Congratulations to Chad & Sophia, who got married last weekend!

The thing I hate (and I mean hate, in a nice way, really) about them is how they make me feel all wistful and jealous. They always seem to be so in love and so happy together, and that just makes me feel, well, wistful and jealous. Sigh. Damnit, I want a guy like Chad too. Still, it’s nice (and reassuring, I guess) to know that love like that really does exist.

And while it might be a little weird to be lusting after a married guy… well, it’s Chad. I don’t think anyone could help it. Hehehe.

I’ve caved in and listened to all of the new Backtstreet songs that leaked. I lovelovelove “Love Is”. Can’t stop listening to it.

And while I usually have absolutely no problems being single, this is just one of those moments when I wish there was someone special.

I’ve gotten quite a number of responses to my survey thingy, which is awesome. I was reading through them, and the answers are fascinating. I’m really appreciative of the fact that people gave thoughtful answers, which in turn make me think about those issues more deeply or in a different way. Awesomeness.

I’m feeling excited about writing this paper, cos there are so many interesting things I wanna say. Tomorrow (or rather, today) is gonna be focused on writing (and finishing) the paper, since I have a midnight deadline. Yeah, that’s me… working under pressure. But I’m feeling pretty good about this paper. *crosses fingers*

Honestly, this assignment makes me wish that I was a Sociology/Anthropology major instead, cos I would love to pursue this topic in a deeper way. I could see myself doing more research on this, and enjoying it. It’s just so incredibly fascinating.

Heh. I’m such a nerd.

I feel like crap. I’ve been pretty much sick for most of the week; can’t stop coughing, I’ve used up a million tissues and I haven’t been sleeping well. So, yes, crappy describes my state of mind quite well.

I have a final term paper to hand in on Monday. It’s for my cultural anthropology class, and I’m doing it on romance novels. So, if you’re a romance reader, do a girl a favor and answer a few questions. :) Doing research has been fun, especially reading academic analysis of the appeal of romance novels. Makes me view my own romance-reading in a new light. And the fun part is reading the books and being able to say that it’s for academic purposes. Heh.

Then after that, I need to start studying for finals. Fun times. May 3rd is the Day of Liberation (aka End of Finals And The Start of Summer Vacation).

I fear for Tristan, my laptop. I’ve been besieged by computer problems and this is like the third time he’s gone crazy on me in as many months. Le sigh. So I need to haul him to the IT centre soon and get him fixed. And he better not die on me. He better be fixable.

My lips are still zipped on the possibly-stupid-thing-I-did. Anxiety was building up, but now I’m kinda mellow about it. It’s kinda like, well I already did it so I have no control over it.

I’ve been listening to Backstreet Boys’ “Incomplete” a lot. “”. Like, most of today. It’s an especially depressing song to be listening to when you feel like crap. I can’t wait for the album! June 14, baby. June 14.

Sigh sigh sigh. How does one cheer up oneself?

I’m stuck in a funk: I’ve been feeling anti-social, cranky and I-hate-the-world this weekend. I’ve spent 98% of my time this weekend in my room, either online, lounging on my bed or reading. I don’t even know how I got into this mood, cos I was feeling perfectly fine on Friday evening… and then I descended into the pits of hell for no apparent reason. I’d put it down to PMS but since that lovely time of month has just passed (I know, TMI!), that’s not a valid excuse.

And no, this has nothing to do with YKW either. If it had something to do with him, I’d be feeling upset and melodramatic instead. Hahahaha.

I hope the mood passes. Cos it’s not fun feeling this way. Hmm… maybe massive amount of ice-cream will help?

My sleeping habits are, unsurprisingly, screwed up. Nowadays, I only fall asleep at around 3-4am (even when I wake up at 8am for school) and if I let myself sleep in, I won’t wake up til 12-1pm. Which is totally lazy. I realize that my day is much more productive when I wake up early… but it’s just not fun. Hahahah. I think not having to be in school everyday has contributed to my messed up sleeping patterns.

I got my hair cut on Wednesday. First I had my 4 red hair extensions taken out (I’ve had them in for like a month and a half now and they became irritating after a while cos I had to be careful whenever I shampooed and brushed my hair) and then the hair cut. No, I didn’t go for the drastic Mandy Moore cut, though a part of me still kinda wants it. I guess I’m too attached to having long hair. Hahaha. Anyway. Michelle, the hairstylist I’ve gone to for the pat 4 or 5 times, is just fabulous. I’ve loved all the haircuts she’s given me, and this is no exception. My hair’s still pretty long but the back of my hair is super-layered which looks nice, and I have short bangs again. So, I have much love for my new haircut. My only concern is whether I can use my curling tongs without creating a weird effect cos the shortest layers are much shorter than the longest ones. It might be weird to curl… but we’ll see.

I also bought a white pair of shoes. Heh. Seriously though, I’ve only bought like 3 things for myself since I’ve been back: a dressy shirt and two pairs of shoes. All total up to less than $60. So, I’d say I’ve been pretty successful with curbing my shopping. Hahahha. I realize that I spend a lot of food though. And coffee. Heh.

I hope it doesn’t rain tomorrow.

I’ve decided that I am glad/relieved that the semester is ending. (4 more days! And I only have to be in school for 2 of those 4 days! Woooo!). I think I’m really gotten to the I-don’t-care-how-I-do stage, which is slightly horrible. But I don’t. I’ve always been one of those people who is slightly nonchalant about school and results. Not to say that I don’t like or don’t want good grades; it’s just that I see no point in beating myself up cos of a bad one. Because, really, a grade is just a grade. It is not a reflection of your personality or your character or anything important like that. It’s a grade; and at the most, it reflects how much work you’ve put in. At its worst, it’s a reflection of a fucked up grade curve. So, I really don’t care. In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn’t matter whether it’s a B or a C or whatever. There are just more important things in the world than that. More important things to worry about than that.

Maybe I’m trying to excuse away my laziness and slackerdom. Maybe it’s because, for the most part, I really don’t enjoy being in NUS. Honestly, the only class that I really love right now is my cultural anthropology class. Why? Cos I’m learning so much and it has really made me think about everything. I love sitting there and just be enlightened by what I’m learning. It sounds completely cliched, but sometimes the value really is in the process, not the product.

And I just don’t think that a GPA is a representation of someone. It’s sad that, in some ways, it is. When this (academic) year started, I told myself that I’d bring my GPA up. Honestly, it’s not bad. It’s not fabulous, or as good as it can be, but it’s certainly not bad. My parents have actually been really good about not pressuring me; they never really have. It’s that damned perfectionist streak in me that rears its ugly head. But sometimes, and this is one of those times, I just don’t effing care.

Right now, I almost wish that I could graduate this semester. Cos I am fucking sick of NUS. 4 years is just way too damn long to be stuck in this place, but I still have a year to go. Blaaaah.

Damn. Such negativity. Positive thoughts are damn hard though.

Anyway, to sum up that long-ass rant: there are bigger things to do and loftier dreams to catch than that elusive perfect GPA. I think I’ve getting burned out or something. I think it’s about time that I look forward to graduating and getting on with my life (even if “getting on with my life” means going to grad school and spending yet more time in school). I’m just ready for my undergraduate career to be over and just get the fucking hell out of here and move on to something else. It hasn’t been much fun and I want to get off this ride.

Argh.

Okay. Enough negativity for tonight.

The photo says it all. *grin*

It was raining cats and dogs this morning when I woke up, and I was so so tempted to burrow under my comforter and go back to sleep. But I’ve been such a slacker lately and I felt slightly guilty so I actually hauled myself out of bed. Bundled myself up in my hoodie (and felt all snug and warm… and it reminded me of the cold-ass days in Carolina when my hoodie was like my best friend. Heh), plugged into my “rainy days” playlist on Juju and trudged through the rain. I was ten minutes late for class… but better late than never. Heh.

So, I’ve been planning something that may or may not be stupid. Hahahaha. Way to be cryptic. But I dunno how it’ll turn out so I’m keeping it under wraps. The only person who knows and who’s been encouraging the possible stupidity (Heh. Kidddinggggg! ‘Encouraging’ is actually code-word for ‘being amused at me’.) is Meichan. But, yeah. If it turns out good, you’ll probably hear about it. If not, well, at least no one else knows about it. Hahahaha. I’m a little anxious, but I have a feeling it’ll turn out good. I hope. *crosses fingers*

I’ve been thinking about totally changing my hairstyle. I’ve had long-ish hair for a few years now so a part of me is itching for a change. I’ve always loved Mandy Moore’s short hairstyle, so I was thinking of cutting my hair like that. But I’ve been thinking about it, and it’s kinda scary to be chopping off so much hair at one go, especially cos it’s been years since I’ve had short hair. So I’m still undecided, though I’m admittedly leaning towards not doing it. I’m probably just gonna get 2 inches off and get bangs again. Same ol’, same ol’. But I think it looks good, so who am I to mess with a good thing? Heh.

Cal & I renewed the domain (Woooo!). Another year of denile, although we really should start being active again (Hmm, were we ever really “active”?). Hahahhaha. We’re such horrible domain owners. I’m psyched though. I’m thinking of switching to another blogging program with more features (like protected posts! skins!) and other nifty stuff. GM has been a trusty tool, but I’m ready to brave the big bad world of blogging programs. Ad Astra needs to be revived, and it would benefit from a more powerful blogging program as well. So, yeah, I have ideas running in my head. I can’t wait til exams are over so that I can fiddling with stuff. Knowing me, I won’t even wait til after the exams… cos it’s always much more fun to be doing anything other than studying when you have to. Hahahaha. Slaaacker.

So, the semester is winding down. I dunno whether to be relieved or sad. Okay wait, fine, I’m more relieved than sad. Naturally. Haha. But, time’s passed pretty quickly (and no, definitely not cos I’ve been having fun. Hahahhaa). It’s already April, when it almost seems like just yesterday I arrived back home. It’s funny how Fall 2004 seemed, in hindsight, a lot longer than 4 months. I mean, when I was living it, it didn’t seem long. On the contrary, at the end of it, I was wondering where those 4 months went. But when you’re thinking back on it, and you have a memory of every single little thing that happened, it all somehow adds up to more than just 4 months. And now, 4 months into 2005 doesn’t quite feel like 4 months. It’s like the days went by and I’ve been static. Or something. So weird. Time is a funny thing.

The reason why I’m ’sad’ about the semester ending: it means I’m closer to graduating. Not that I won’t be happy to be free of NUS… but I don’t think I’m ready to not be a student and be… whatever. I don’t even know what. That’s where my plans sorta stops. Sure, I know, to some extent, what I want for the future… but getting there is a whole nother ball game. I don’t want to get to that point (graduating) and feeling “What now?”. I’ve always sorta thought one step ahead, and I knew that I wanted to get a degree. But after that is sorta like a clean slate. I don’t really know what comes after that.

At the same time, a part of me can’t wait to graduate… to move from this phase of my life and into the next one, even though I have no idea what it’ll be. Maybe it’s cos my undergraduate career hasn’t been particularly exciting or fun or memorable (save for Fall 2004, of course) so I have no/little nostaglia about the exalted institution of higher learning I’m at. I feel like there might be something more exciting out there for me once I graduate and get that piece of paper I’m been working for all my damn life.

I want to shop. Hehhehehe. Nothing in particular that I want… but I just feel like buying stuff. I want a pair of white shoes, actually. I dunno. Heh. And I saw that loooovely cropped jacket at Mango again, and the craving returned. There’re some really cute tops at Forever 21 too. Hehehe. Oooh, bags! I want bags.

I actually went out with my mom on Friday night. We had dinner and then we went to Bar None at Marriott. It was slightly odd (okay, a lot odd) to be out on the town with my mommy. Heh. The band at Bar None, I think they’re called Nine Lives, they were pretty damn good though which surprised me. I enjoyed their two sets a lot. But the music the DJ played was just so not my type. I pretty much only like to dance to hip-hop/rap in clubs and Bar None was playing… odd music. Odd, in terms of genre. Well, the crowd there was older (the mid-late twenties, yuppie-ish types) so that’s understandable I guess. I still felt weird though, like totally out of place. Y’know how in hip-hop clubs, when they play “Get Low”, everyone sings along to the “to the window, to the wall” part? Yeah, they kinda did that too, except to a song I didn’t recognize and I felt like such an outsider. Hahahahah. But, the band was good… so it wasn’t a bad night. It did make me wanna go clubbing though. With friends. And people my own age. Hahahahhaha. (Hani, if you’re reading this, next time you go clubbing, caaaalll meeee! Heheheh.)

I hope the Tar Heels win the NCAA national championship! Goooo Heels!! *waves baby blue pom-pom* (And yes, I actually have one, leftover from a football game I went to last fall. Heheheheh.)