and i u n f o l d

I’m so not in the best of moods. I watched “A Lot Like Love” today, just finished reading a D/Hr fic that made me a little weepy and I’m listening to “How To Deal” by Frankie J. Not that I’m in a bad mood or anything. Not that I’m sad per se.

Feeling blue? That might be the closest description.

The movie was okay. It wasn’t great as far as romantic comedies go, but it wasn’t bad or anything. I relaly like the movie poster though, with photos of the two of them from a photo booth. Too cute.

What I didn’t understand was why it took them so bloody effing long to get together. I mean- it was pretty clear from the beginning that there was some kind of spark/connection/attraction/whatever between them. Everytime they met, they were flirting like crazy. And while either one or both were dealing with a break-up or some other problem at each point of time they met again, those aren’t insurmountable obstacles. I don’t quite understand what kept them away (in the romantic sense) from each other for seven damn years. I was like, “Goddamnit, someone do something already!”. Geez… aren’t the characters driven crazy by the what-ifs?

I guess the movie struck me as trying to be an updated of “When Harry Met Sally” but it didn’t really succeed. I dunno… most of it just fell flat to me.

Okay, now it sounds like I hated the movie. But I didn’t. It had its moments. And Ashton was really cute. I liked him in this one. I liked Amanda Peet too. But them together didn’t work for me all the time. They’re not a particularly memorable non-screen couple, I guess. I did like the whole friendship-turning-into-romance thing. The build-up was really slow… although it became tedious and frustrating after a while. Especially since the attraction was there from the beginning.

“Don’t… you’ll ruin it.” Bullllshitttttt. Seriously, it was kinda cute in the movie and maybe like the first few times. But after a while, I was like groaning. Seriously people, suck it up and give it a go instead of pussyfooting around each other. Geeeeez. [/end riled-up-ness]

Anyway.

I’m going to watch the Batman movie! Yay! Finally! Everyone’s raving about it, and I want in. Heh.

My grandma was staying with us for about a week and during her stay, she twice (TWICE, fortheloveofGod!) told me that I should look for/get a boyfriend. *face palm* She says that it’ll be harder for me to find/get a boyfriend once I start working.

I was like, “WTF?” (thinking it, obviously, and not actually saying it out loud. Heh). I didn’t say anything; just nodded and semi-smiled and made consenting noises. How else can one react to something like that? I didn’t think I’d see the day when my family would actually be freakin’ encouraging me to get involved with someone. Geeez.

Seriously. I’m only 21. Yes, I haven’t been in a serious relationship and yes, I can count the number of guys I’ve really been interested in on one hand. Yes, I haven’t been particularly open to meeting random guys and yes, I’m a bitch like that (i.e. I have an effing list and there are just some things that cannot be compromised). I concede that it is entirely my fault that I, for the most part, am not attracted to most guys here. (Reminds me of that movie “Clueless”, which I love, and Cher saying “As if!” when she talks about the guys in her school. Heh.)

The thing is, while I might sometimes lament about my non-existent love life, I know that I’m not putting myself out there. So, while I might want it, clearly some part of me isn’t quite ready for it. (That’s some self-analysis for you. Heh.) There’s also the fact that I don’t find most guys here attractive. Cos, let’s face it and acknowledge it, physical attraction is one of the first things most people look for. Actually, scratch that: it need not particularly be physical attraction, but clearly some kind of attraction/pull/connection/whatever corny name you wanna give it needs to be there. And, for the most part, I believe that you can know very early on if such a thing exists between you and the other party.

And how can I actually say, “Well, there is one guy I am interested in, but not only does he already have a girlfriend, he’s also a bazillion miles away from me and he’s of a different race and religion. But I might just be silly and stupid enough to keep a shred of hope alive, cos hey, who knows what can happen in the future between us”? I can just imagine how that response will be received if I say it the next time someone comments on my lack of a boyfriend. Heh.

I don’t show it much at all, but at heart, I am a girly girl. Every damn bone in my body is romantic (tinged with some practicality- I am a Virgo, after all). I want love. I want romance. I want marriage. I want the whole she-bang. I’m a freakin’ traditionalist when it comes to things like that.

Things happen for a reason. (Hmm, I guess I subscribe to the idea of Fate and Destiny too. Not in the sense that life is predetermined, but that there are different paths that you can choose from and the choices I’ve made have lead me to where I am now.) I’m single now, for a reason. Sometimes, I feel like I barely know who exactly I am and what I want to do with my life and what exactly I want… and to add the complication of a relationship (and relationships seem to be inevitably complicated, in some way) to that- I don’t think I’m up for it.

I guess some of it is fear? Cos relationships are scary. To willingly let someone in. I don’t know if I’m ready for that.

The thing is: I don’t want to find myself in a relationship cos a) everyone else is in one; b) it’s what I should be doing at my age; c) without feeling something special for the guy. I want it (the relationship) to mean something. It’s not like I’m looking for Mr. Right. A Mr. Right for now, more likely.

I don’t think love/a relationship is a rush. The way my grandma puts it, it almost sounds like a competition, kinda like a grab-someone-while-you-can! sorta thing. Which is ridiculous. Cos it’ll happen when it happens. I know she means well, but unlike her, I don’t feel any sense of urgency.

I’m happy as I am. I’m not languishing from not having a boyfriend. (And no, the YKW situation does not count. Heh.) My attitude is pretty much: Qu� ser� ser�.

I feel so battered.

I haven’t been dancing for a week (gasp! A whole week! But honestly, when you slack off, the momentum goes away and your body just forgets) due to laziness so today’s practice was totally brutal for me, mentally and physically. I had to learn the choreography I missed and we learned a new set today too (to Missy Elliot’s “Lose Control” which has a bloody effing fast beat). My mind was (for the most part) willing cos I could remember the moves, but my body just didn’t execute.

It was a bad day. I was frustrated a lot, which just makes things worse. My limbs wouldn’t cooperate and whatever psychomotor skills I had decided to have a day off. Blaaaaah. So now I feel like crap. And I realized today (not for the first time, mind you) that I really should work on being more flexible. And stronger. I feel tempted to really start exercising… but we’ll see how that goes. I know for sure that I need to start stretching daily to build up flexibility for the kicks and stuff we’re doing (Gah! I so dislike kicks!).

I’m gonna listen to “Lose Control” until I get sick to death of it (I actually really like the song now) and/or until it stops sounding too damn fast to dance to. Hahahah. And I need to internalize the dance steps and somehow coerce my body to do them right and do them well. Preferably by Wednesday (I definitely need to get the moves right by then and be able to dance it). Hah. Good luck to me.

I’m hungry, I’m tired. All I want to do is lie in bed. *sigh*

So, my new layout is finally up. Yay me! It looks best in IE 800×600, but it should look okay in other browsers and in a higher resolution. (Or so I hope.) I like this one; it’s pretty… and well, I was getting sick of the previous one. And the angsty/yearning song lyrics! Guh. Lovelovelove. There was a time, about maybe 2 months ago, when I couldn’t stop listening to this song.

I’m such a shopaholic. It’s baaaaad. I went through a few months without spending more than like $40 shopping each month (to make up for the massive spending I did last year!), but that was easy enough since I was pretty damn happy with my wardrobe and all that.

Then came the dreaded time of year: SALE! And my will power flew out the window, in a snap. Baaaaah. I suck. I’ve bought quite a lot of stuff in the past few weeks, by rationalizing that it’s all cheaper since it’s on sale. Gaaaah. But I think I’ve gotten it out of my system; I’ve bought all the things I’ve been coveting, so that’s the end. No more. My (rapidly dwindling) bank account can’t take it anymore. And damn, I have a lot (”") of clothes! Sheeeesh.

I was hanging out with Nazlin and Hani on Saturday. That was a long and crazy day. Heh. I hadn’t seen Nazlin in a loooong while, so it was awesome to hang out again. We went shopping, ate some, chatted a lot and had a grand ol’ time.

Then today, I was out with Nance and Natalie. We chilled out for a bit, which was fun. I love talking fandom-stuff with them. And I’m gonna make them watch VM! Heh. Nance is going back to Perth tomorrow, so it’ll be a while before we’ll get to hang out again.

So, it’s been a busy weekend. I just wanna curl up in bed with a book and a cup of hot chocolate. Yum.

I haven’t really let myself think about him in a long time. Memories run through my mind sometimes, but nothing like those times when I just really couldn’t help but think about him. Then after a while, it was just easier not to let myself think.

Talking with Hani about her crush brings everything back for me. It’s a little different now, cos I have some clarity about the situation. And y’know, time and distance. But there’s a still pang of… something. The wistfulness is still there.

I still…

OTH S1 is being aired on Starworld. Niceeee. I missed the 2nd half of the season (I stopped downloading, and I didn’t catch the 2nd half when it aired on tv here cos I was leaving for NC), so it’ll be nice to get to watch it even though I have an idea of what happened. I watched the pilot episode yesterday and the crappy dialogue didn’t even register in my head cos I was too busy perving staring at Chad. I still love that scene where he’s towing Peyton’s car: he’s wearing a snug red-ish t-shirt and maaaan, he looked hot. The hair, the t-shirt, the jeans, the smiling. Woah baby. Hotttness, right there.

Plus, Chad with hair! Guh. Him in the pilot is so reminiscent of Tristan: the hair, the mannerisms. I was happily in Tristan La-la land. Heh.

I miss all the basketball action. Hot boys playing ball is, well, hot. Heh. (Basketball is probably my favourite ball game.) I also miss asshole!Nathan. I enjoyed him too much when he was being a spoiled brat. Hahahahah. Peyton? Not so much. Gaaaah. She’s much more tolerable now.

OTH was such a crapfest, but I’ll be watching anyway. I’m such a fangirl; I can’t resist Chad. And Nathan/Haley! That’s gonna be fun to watch.

I haven’t mentioned it much here, but I’m a Backstreet Boys fan. Yes, I am.

Their new album (Yay!) was released today and I met up with a bunch of other fans to get the album and just share the love. Hahahah. Cal was supposed to come but she was sick.

Anyway. I met up with Nance first, since she’s here for a short holiday. I haven’t seen her in ages, so it was fun. We went window-shopping a little (I still want a cute cropped cardigan thingy, damnit!) before meeting the rest. I ended up not buying the album cos I want the special edition dual-disc version, which is apparently sold out. (WTF? Grrrr.) So I’m holding out til that becomes available.

After the rest of them got their CDs, we had dinner at Cafe Cartel. It was fun; we talked a bit, and then one of the girls, Vanessa, had her laptop with her so we kinda ended up watching Backstreet stuff. Hahaha. Yes, at Cafe Cartel. And we weren’t particularly quiet about it. Hahahahah. Good times.

I haven’t been keeping up with new stuff (haven’t been to LJ in a while) so most of the stuff was new to me. Like, the performance at the Today show. OMG. Singing in the rain! I just about died. If only it was “Incomplete”. But still. Shitttt. There was total perving going on. And Brian! I was feeling the Brian-love. (What’s with the lusting after married men thing that’s been happening lately? Sheesh.) We watched a clip from Viva, and I was just drooling over Nick. That was before he cut his hair, and boyfriend looked hot yo. Not that I don’t like the spiky-ish, messy hair, but the longer hair was hotttt too. (Sigh. I am easy when it comes to Nick.)

And it was nice to be with Nance, who’s also a big Nick fan, cos I always get flak from Cal/Hani/whoever for liking Nick. Pfffft. :P Nice to have someone else who understands the squee-age. It’s hard having to defend your liking for someone all the damn time. Heh.

It was a fun day. Always good to squee over shared boyband-love with other people. Hahahaha.

So, yes. I’M A BACKSTREET BOYS FAN AND I LOVE NICK CARTER.

(I love Brian too.)

So, there.

Anyway. The willpower I had to hold out for the DVD edition is wearing thin. Cos I haven’t heard most of the album tracks. And I want to. But some people are gonna be sharing the songs with me, so all is not lost. Hahahha. Plus, I still have the non-albums songs to listen to. God bless the Internet and fandom. Heh.

Shitttttt. “I Still” is such a sekrit crush/unrequited love song. Le sigh.

[/end 14-year-old me]

Hani asked me, “How do you get over a crush?”.

When I saw the message on my phone, I snorted. Cos me? Not really the best person to ask such a question. I’m like the poster girl for not getting over a crush. Heh.

My answer: a) Find someone new; or b) Let time and distance help you to stop feeling so crazy.

There’s nothing else you can do, is there? I can’t think of any, at least. It’s easy to tell your mind to stop thinking of him, but a lot harder for your heart to let go. A crush is fun in the early stages; when you don’t know him and all you know is what you see and what you think he is. It’s fun being giddy and giggly and just feeling excited when you see him or are around him.

Sometimes, it just fades away. Because you’re met/found someone new whom you really like. Or you get to know him and the mystique fades and the two of you become friends (and friends only). And sometimes, the feeling just isn’t strong enough to last.

Other times, it bloody effing lingers. And that’s when it can start to hurt. Because you want to get to know him but don’t know how to break the ice, don’t know what to say. Or if you’re already friends, then crossing that line into Something More suddenly becomes the most daunting thing ever. If you’re really unlucky (sigh), he’s already taken and you’re unfortunately, by default, relegated to Friends Only status. You don’t know how to deal, you don’t know what you should do. Paralysing self-doubt becomes your new accessory. Confusion and frustration aren’t too far behind; suddenly every move, every look, every gesture, every word, every-damn-effing-thing seems to have some special hidden meaning that you can’t decode. Or so you think.

That’s when you know you’re screwed. Oh yeah, you’re a goner.

There comes a point when you need to make a stand. Do you stand and fight- risk it, do something, say something? Do you decide enough is enough and throw in the towel? Or are you foolish enough to keep hoping?

It’s hard to be rational when your heart is engaged. You can try, but chances are, it won’t work.

Time. Distance. That works. Not 100%, but enough to stop you from feeling so wretched.

Ryan has officially moved up my Hot List. (Ryan Gosling, that is. If you don’t know who he is, SHAME ON YOU.) Not that he was that low on the list. But damnnnn. Between watching “Murder By Numbers” last week and the Hotness that was the Ryan/Rachel kiss at the Movie Awards, boyfriend has rapidly moved up the ranks.

I need to watch “The Notebook” again.

Anyway. The Kiss? Totally Hot. Who wants to be Rachel? *raises hand* I mean, seriously, damn. I love the come-hither gesture, the picking her up, the carrying her to the podium, the “It was my pleasure”. Everything. It was just the cutest. Le sigh. (Plus, boyfriend has a really hot walk. He bloody swaggers. It’s hotttt yo.)

Y’know, I seem to have this weird love for the on-screen couples in Nicholas Sparks’ books-turned-movies. I love Mandy Moore and Shane West together; they were so cute in the movie and if they had started dating, I would’ve died from the cuteness. The “Cry” video almost killed me anyway cos they were so adorable and couple-y. I freakin’ downloaded TRL clips just to see them. Twas sad. Hell, I still think they’d make a good couple. Heh.

And then now, Ryan and Rachel. (On a side note: Ryan must be pretty darn strong to be able to hold her up like that. Mmmm. I want a boyfriend who can do that too. Heehee.)

And despite not particularly caring for the books, I love the movies. The good-looking, charismatic male lead actors help, of course. (Hee!) But I guess it just boils down to the fact that I’m just a total sucker for sappy movies. I have so many favourite moments from AWTR (seen the movie too many times) and even when I try not to, I end up effing crying anyway. Haven’t had the chance to watch TN other than in the cinema and clearly that’s a situation that needs to be rectified very soon. Heh. But yes, I adore the movies.

Anyway, The Kiss was pretty much the highlight of the show for me. The rest was a snooze-fest. The skits weren’t that funny. Tom (Cruise) kinda skeeves me out sometimes (and him and Katie still elicits an “Ewww” from me). The performances were kinda blah, though Mariah did sound good.

It’s already mid-June, and I’m wondering what the hell I’ve been doing with my time. Dance, of course, is one thing, especially given we have practice twice/thrice a week. But the rest of the time is spent chilling out and “doing nothing”. I’ve been reading a lot (I finished “Angels & Demons”!) and going online. Going out with my mom and hanging out with friends, sometimes. But damn, over a month of vacation-time has passed so quickly.

This year is passing by really quickly, it seems to me. I don’t know why. And I don’t know if it’s good thing or not.

I’m working on a new layout; almost done. Since watching RotS, I’ve been wanting to make an Anakin/Padme one and I finally got around to it. Yay! It should be up pretty soon. :)

Okay, a bunch of things to blog about! I’ve been kinda busy/active for the past 2 weeks, but I just didn’t feel like blogging and when I did, I had computer problems. I WANT A SPIFFY NEW COMPUTER! Gaaaah. Anyway.

1) My friend, Candy, celebrated her 21st birthday with a costume party about two weeks ago. We had to come as a fictional character (or suffer the consequences… muahahaha). Another friend, Cheryl, and I contemplated going as Bananas in Pyjamas (hahahah) but that didn’t pan out. So I roped in Meichan, and we went as the Powerpuff Girls.

[pause]

Yes, the Powerpuff Girls. (You can stop laughing right about now.) It was pretty much the easiest choice, cos all we had to do was wear a color with clothes that we (by “we”, I refer mostly to Cheryl, who has a lot of clothes!) have. We were pretty cute though. Heh. I was the pink one, Blossom (aka the leader of the pack):

Bubbles (Meichan), Blossom (Me!) and Buttercup (Cheryl). Heh. (Did I get the names right?)

The funny bit was that there were POWERPUFF BOYS. Hahahahaha. So classic.

The Powerpuff Fam with the birthday girl. Hehehehe.

We (the Powerpuff kids) went on an errand to the nearby 7-11 to get ice. Hahahaha. It was hilarious cos the old man at the store was giving us weird looks. And we took a bunch of crazy pics which I will eventually put up.

And here’s a pic of all the costumed guests!

2) Just last week, the parental units (along with my grandma) were off to Malaysia on a short holiday. 5 days of freedom, baby! So the girls (Cal, Hani & Sarah) stayed over.

The first night, us three (minus Cal) went clubbing. It was an okay night; it had its moments. But the music at both clubs we went to was kinda crappy. I am so not a fan of techno. Hip-hop/R&B all the way, baby! And the crowd at the clubs was kinda MEH. Oh well, that’s not a big surprise. I was feeling a little tipsy early in the night; I had a vodka lime, a shot of tequila (bumped into a friend and she roped me into drinking with her cos it was her birthday the previous week), and a bourbon coke. I was buzzed, I guess, but it wore off once I started dancing. So it was okay. After the incident while at Mrytle Beach last year (Oy!), I’m totally aware of my limits. Plus, I’m not really big on the whole drinking-and-getting-drunk thing. Part of being a Virgo, I guess- I have to be in control of myself. Heh.

Cal came over the next day, bringing us lunch and a bunch of movies for us to watch. In the space of those few days, we watched a lot (”") of movies: Drumline (which I enjoyed… Nick Cannon!), 50 First Dates (Soooo sweet!), Down With Love (Ewwwwan!), crappy Jap horror movie, Murder by Numbers (Ryan Gosling is SO the Hotness), The Pianist (which is such an awesome movie, although depressing as hell). We also watched some *NSYNC stuff (the PPV concert, Driven, Reel *NSYNC) and I showed Sarah the Kazi stuff. (And we were totally mooning over Hot Boys Who Can Dance. Le sigh.)

Funny moment: Hani was telling Sarah about YKW, and Sarah goes, “Is he real?”. Hahahahaha.

And OH! We watched the last half of the Veronica Mars season. (Will gush in a bit! Hee.)

There was basically a lot of eating and lounging on the couch. Hahahaa. And general craziness (things are bound to get crazy whenever we get together!). We ordered pizza. Bought junk food, ice-cream. It was a lot of fun.

3) VERONICA MARS IS THE BESTEST TV SHOW EVER! Lovelovelove. Cal was lovely enough to share the love (she is soooo my crack dealer!) and provided us with the entire freaking first season of the show. We (Cal, Hani & I) watched the first half of the season about 2 Saturdays ago and after showing Sarah the pilot episode and filling her in about the important details, we delved into the 2nd half of the season (which I had already watched, cos I am a sucker who couldn’t wait).

Sooo, all thoughts are behind the cut (spoilers ahoy!)

Suffice to say, we all loved it. Hehehehehe.
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