and i u n f o l d

I was supposed to meet Aishah today to go collect our graduation robes together, but my bro took my phone and JD!pod; I woke up late and I didn’t have her number. Grrrrrr. Good thing I saw some familiar faces in school, which made me feel less alone. (And I’m now kinda looking forward to graduation. Go figure.)

Yesterday was a looong day. Had dance practice in the afternoon. It wasn’t a bad afternoon, the stress level wasn’t too high, but I just wasn’t really in the mood to channel the sexy. Ahahahah. But it went okay, I think. And it got my mind occupied.

I met up with some of the sgbsb girls after that, ‘cos Firah was in town for the day. We had dinner and talked (and laughed) a lot. As usual, I had a great time ‘cos these girls are always a riot (esp. Mano!), and it was nice to indulge in fangirly-ness. Admittedly, that was also the first time that I honestly didn’t think of him at all.

Then came girls’ night out with my fellow tall-ies, Jen and Val. The theme of the night was ‘Boys suck’. LOL. Yup. We went to BF again, with Peter and Julian… but this time, it was kinda sucky. We were like the only ones really dancing. And I was so tired. And watching boys who cannot dance (ie. the other people in the club) just made me think of him. So, yes. I am pathetic. I was kinda down in the dumps, but the girls were really great and tried to cheer me up. Thanks, babes! I appreciate it.

About the Boy Drama: Hmmm. I don’t know. I really hate feeling down. And I guess it hurts me more than I like to admit. But, what I’m gonna do is give it til the end of the week. Then I’ll straighten things out with him, and get a point-blank answer, because I have to know. I really am sick of being stuck in this limbo with him, and I want it to be over with. Even if I don’t like what I hear, at least I’ll know.

Thanks for the encouraging/reassuring comments and words of wisdom from everyone. But I just don’t wanna keep hoping that something will eventually happen. I really really like him; I’ve liked him ever since I saw him, and it’s been almost 2 years. If it’s not now, then maybe it’s never.

Aaargh. I don’t wanna think. *headdesk*

For a smart girl (well, kinda), I can be very stupid… when it comes to boys.

I never really thought about going to Tokyo before, which is funny considering that it’s one of the major cities in the world. But y’know what? It’s an experience being there. I know that all places are different, and it’s always interesting to visit someplace new. So, in that respect, I’m really glad that I went.

Whenever I go to a new place, I always try to define it somehow. For Tokyo, that was difficult to do. Tokyo is not just one thing, or one place, or one kind of spirit. But I will say that it is frantic. Not in a bad way, but I think that it truly is a city that never sleeps and never stops. People everywhere, going places, on the trains, on the streets, morning, night, all the time. It just keeps going, which is quite amazing.

I’m a big city girl. I love cities. I love them because they’re always full of life and they always have a kind of energy about them. So, I enjoyed the big city aspect of Tokyo. I’m familiar with it. And once you know how things work, getting around is fairly easy.

That said, what I especially love about Tokyo is its history. I’m a history buff and I just love old buildings, traditions, rituals, things that connect people to their past. And Japan has a darn fascinating history and culture. While I appreciated the different vibes of the different neighbourhoods, it was old Tokyo- the shrines, the temples, the Palace- that I really loved.

I arrived in Tokyo on Thursday morning, bright and early and took the airport bus to Shinjuku, where my hotel was located. Had no trouble finding it (‘cos I’m good with maps and directions like that, heh), but I couldn’t check in till 2pm so I had about 4 hours to burn. I was dead on my feet, but I figured that I should take the time to go around. So I walked around Shinjuku. Saw the huge-ass train station, the little side streets with restaurants, Takashimaya (which is about 2 times bigger than the one here!). I also checked out the Tokyo Metropolitan Government Offices (TMG), which were just a block away from my hotel. That is a really cool building. I wanted to go up to the 45^th floor observatory but decided to save that for another day.

I gave YKW a call around 1-ish, during his lunch break, to check in with him and make plans to meet up. Then, I finally checked into my room. I lucked out ‘cos my room was on the 10^th floor with a view of the Shinjuku Chuo Park across the street and the TMG. V. nice! Took a shower and crashed, cos I was so tired.

YKW came by around 6-ish, after school. Needless to say, I was v. happy to see him! We decided to go to Shibuya, to walk around and find a place to have dinner. At the train station, he taught me how to use the ticket machines and how to figure out what the fare is. So, that made things subsequently a lot easier for me.

Shibuya is craziness. I dunno how else to describe it. The main junction has a 6-way pedestrian crossing, which is insanity! So many people everywhere. And the streets are lighted up with billboards, signs for shops and restaurants, there are like 2 big-screen tvs facing the crossing. Like I said, it’s crazy.

So, we walked around, poked into a few shops and ended up taking neoprints. Hee! The results were v. cute though, and that’s probably my fave ‘souvenir’ from the trip. And dude, the neoprint machines there are so much more complicated than the ones here!

While we were walking, we talked. I don’t even really remember about what. I do remember though that it felt like time hadn’t passed at all. Like it hadn’t been almost 2 years since we last met. The only difference, to me, was that the awkwardness (on my part) was gone. I felt comfortable around him. Sure, my heart would go crazy when he smiled at me, but it still wasn’t anywhere as nerve-wrecking as it used to be. Heh.

He wanted to bring me to this Hawaiian place to eat (don’t ask why, I don’t know!) and had a map printed out and all. Alas, the boy is bad with directions. Hehehehe. So, we ended up walking around aimlessly, but I didn’t mind. It was nice just to be with him. Instead, we checked out the restaurants we passed by to see if anything called to us. And that was when my first inkling of information came: we were standing in front of this ramen shop full of older businessmen type, and he pulled me away and said, “Not romantic”, and I was kinda stunned ‘cos that came out of nowhere. Heh.

Anyway. We ended up eating at this Japanese restaurant. Rice with a main dish (I had some kind of breaded fish), miso soup and veggies. It was soooo good. The serving was huge, but it was damn good. And yes, I guess it was romantic in a way. Haha. Semi-dim lighting, and it was a nice place. We talked about home and family for a bit and he asked about Singapore and said he couldn’t picture it (I said I’ll take pictures for him). Heh.

He walked me back to my hotel (it’s a good 15 minute walk from the train station, but I’m a walker anyhow, so I didn’t mind), and we watched some Japanese tv. Okay, Jap tv is… weird. I was v. amused, even though I didn’t understand a word cos people’s reactions were funny enough. Their version of reality tv is to film people’s reactions; for example, the show we were watching was something of a cooking competition. And they had a group of people watch the process and react to whatever was happening (like ‘oohing’ and ‘aaahing’) and then vote for the winner. It was funny as heck for some reason.

So, anyway. We were sitting on my bed, watching tv, and talking, and being touchy-feely. And next thing I know, we kissed. And I couldn’t believe it was happening. Blahblahblah. (With some Chinese drama in the background, which was so not romantic and we laughed over that.) He missed the last train, and ended up staying with me. For me, it was just distracting having him so close and my brain was processing what had happened and going, “OMGWTF!!!!” and freaking out basically. We didn’t get much sleep. (Get your minds out of the gutter, you pervs! Ahahahah.) I jokingly asked him how much worth of kissing that was, and he went “Almost 2 years?”, which made me laugh. (It wasn’t nearly worth 2 years. Maybe 2 months. Hahahahah.)

He left early in the morning to get back to his dorm before going to school. Me, I went up the TMG to see the view. But it was a cloudy day so visibility wasn’t v. good. In the afternoon, I went to his school, ‘cos he wanted to show me around the campus. That day he was wearing green, and he wore the Adidas wristbands I gave him, which made me smile. Hee! Anyway. We had planned to go to the Imperial Palace but the East Gardens are closed on Fridays, so we scrapped that. We went to Ginza instead. Went to the Sony Building to fiddle with the stuff in their showroom (amazing stuff) and then walked a bit to Hibiya Park. Poor baby was tired (not enough sleep and school) so we chilled out at the park for a bit. Then we went to Ueno Park and walked around there. We wanted to go to the Tokyo National Museum but it was closed by the time we got there. (Hmm, sense the recurring theme?)

That was a really really nice day. Holding hands, strolling in parks. Who knew Tokyo could be romantic? Who knew that I’m such an idiotic sap? (Okay, fine, I am an idiotic sap. Heh.)

Saturday was a long day. I met him around around lunch-time and we went to Roppongi for this hip-hop dance event that was held in a club. It cost ¥2000 and it was from 1pm-5pm, and we stayed for the whole thing! I don’t even know why, cos we weren’t v. impressed with the quality of the dancing and choreography. What was cool about the event though was that it wasn’t just dancing; there were some singers and rappers too. What amused/entertained me the most was this group of 5 guys singing acapella (and they weren’t too bad)- imagine “Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love For You” sung in Japanese accents! V. v. cute.

The most exciting part of the event was the half-hour ‘intermission’ when a DJ spun some music. Some of the peeps started freestylin’, and maaaan, they were good. And, of course, YKW had to get in on that action and he did his thing. I love watching him dance. Boy moves like buttaaah baby. Mmmm.

Anyway. We went to Ikebukuro after that. Found a sushi place to eat at. Oh, and I haven’t mentioned it, but he sounds adorable when he speaks Japanese. Heehee. Then we walked around, looking for an ice-cream/dessert place, ‘cos I wanted ice-cream. Found a place called Milky Way, and we shared an ice-cream thingy.

We had to stop by his dorm, cos he needed to grab his camera charger (he was staying over with me since we had plans to go to Hakone early Sunday morning). His dorm is all-boys, so it was a covert affair to get me in. Ahahahah. His room looked like a tornado hit it, but I guess that’s the usual for boys. We took a long walk to the train station after that to go back to my hotel. Dropped off his bag, I changed and then we went to the east side of Shinjuku (which is the erm… interesting side of town cos west Shinjuku where I was staying is more business-oriented). We were looking for some place to club, but after walking around (and getting lost, ‘cos like I said, he’s bad with maps and directions) we didn’t find anyplace nice. That area is v. happening. It was about 1am when we were there, and there were so many things going on: restaurants were still open, karaoke places, clubs, bars, dubious places, and the ubiquitous ‘male escorts’ (they would approach girls and apparently what they do is offer to take them around for dinner or drinks or whatever, basically show them a good time, for a price, and you can tell them from their black suits and funky hair). So, no clubbing: we walked back to the hotel.

Sunday: we overslept! Cos we slept late, we only got up at about 11.30am, which was too late to go to Hakone. Woe. That was disappointing. But we went to the Meiji Shrine (which is lovely) and to Harajuku where we saw them cos-play girls. Woooah. Wooah. That was a sight to see. Weird, yet interesting.

Harajuku on Sunday is insanity. So crowded. We were supposed to go shopping but I didn’t buy anything. 1) I’m not into Japanese fashion; 2) Even if I were, clothes there are expensive; 3) I really didn’t see anything that I liked. The only time I was really tempted was when we were at the Adidas concept store. That was Adidas Heaven right there. So many nice things, nice jackets, nice pants, nice bags. But too expensive. So I restrained myself. YKW, on the other hand, couldn’t resist this white jacket with green trim. (Him and green… I teased him for finally embracing the love of green. Ahahaha.) It was really nice and he bought it. He was the one who was doing most of the window-shopping and it was nice to shop with him and help him decide what looks good and what doesn’t. I love shopping for a guy actually.

I was in a bit of a weird funk of a mood that day. I don’t even really know why, but as my post below indicates, I just started thinking about everything and what it meant. And I just got quiet and pensive and not in a terrific mood. Which is bad, because there I was, in Tokyo, with him, and I was feeling down. He noticed, of course, and called me on it, and I didn’t know what to say, ‘cept that I was just in a weird mood and that I was sorry.

So, Sunday sucked. And Monday could only be better. It was also my last day there, which made me sad. YKW had school the whole day, so I was left on my own. But it was no big deal. I planned out my day to make the most of it and see things I hadn’t seen yet. I went to Yasukuni Shrine, then took a looooong walk to and around the Imperial Palace grounds before going to Asakusa to see Sensoji Temple. Yes, allll my myself. And I didn’t get lost. *pats self on back*

At Sensoji, I asked this girl if she would help me take a photo, and it turns out that she recognized me ‘cos she had stayed at the same hotel too. Crazy coinkidink. She’s Thai, and for some strange reason, she had thought I was Japanese… which amused the crap out of me. Me? Japanese? Like, in which universe? Heh. (I jokingly said, “It must be the hair!” Ahahahhaha.)

Then I went to Ginza to see the other side of it that we didn’t see the last time and then to Omote-sando where all the swanky shops are. By that time, my feet were killing me. Then it was to Shibuya where I met YKW at the Hachiko statue at 8-ish. We had dinner. Then roamed around. Then he had to leave ‘cos he had schoolwork to do for the next day. We bought our train tickets. And then he was like, “Well, the train ride is gonna be 7 minutes so whatever we wanna say, we should say it now.” And I was, “Okay,” and didn’t know what to say.

I mean, was that supposed to be THE conversation? I don’t know. I couldn’t read him. I didn’t know what I should say. We were standing by this pillar in the busy Shibuya JR station with people all around us, and us trying to have our last conversation. If it hadn’t been so hard for me, I would’ve laughed at the situation. I don’t remember all of what we talked about, but I do remember that he said, “Thanks for coming… you didn’t have to.” I went, “Yeah, well…” and he laughed and said, “Free ticket, nothing to do, seeing a new place…”, and “Seeing you,” I said.

I don’t know if he was waiting for me to say something. I was waiting for him to say something. It’s so silly but I wanted him to be the one to say something first. I just need to know that what I feel is reciprocated. I mean, I know… or I think I know that he likes me. The question is: does he like me enough? I really don’t know.

Anyhow. We hugged and I told him not to let another one and a half years pass before we see each other again. The train ride went by way too quickly. It was difficult for me to process the fact that that was it: goodbye. We talked some, I don’t recall what, and when we approached Shinjuku station, I hugged him again, and that was that.

Sigh.

I was feeling torn up, so I gave Cal a quick call to ask for words for wisdom. Heh. She said to tell him, and being the chickenshit I am, I took the ‘easy’ way and e-mailed his cell phone. I don’t know if he got it, I don’t know how he’ll respond to it, but I guess we’ll see.

I spent the night packing while listening to my JD!pod (I seriously have too many sad/sappy/emo songs on there, damnit!). Woke up early and left the hotel just after 7 to take the shuttle bus to Shinjuku St. where I took the airport bus to the airport. I was super early for check-in. I walked around the airport, bought some last souvenirs for the family, and then got on my flight back home.

Thus, endeth my trip.

My mom met me at the gate (since she was working today) and the first thing she said to me was, “You look sad”. Geez. And then when I got home, I found a welcome home note from her with a “hope you did not break your heart in Tokyo” at the bottom. I guess she figured out why I went in the first place. (I hope she didn’t tell my dad!)

Am I sad? I guess so. I’m not happy. But my heart’s not broken. I don’t think it is. At the end of the day, I am truly glad that I went. I saw a new country and experienced something new, and that is always valuable. And I saw him again, and that means more to me than anything else. The “What If” that bothered me for the past one and a half years has been laid to rest in a way; I had my “what if” come true. The only problem is I don’t know how it ends. Does it end with a goodbye on a train and all goes back to the way it was? Or is really a beginning that I can’t yet see? I. don’t. know.

I’m tired of wishing and hoping and waiting. I need something from him that tells me that he wants to be with me. I need something, anything from him. But I didn’t get it. And I’ve started to think that maybe it is time for me to let it go. I can’t keep hanging on for something that is so uncertain. I really do like him, a lot “”, but I don’t want to be the only one who’s in this. We’re stuck in this really strange place where we’re more than friends but less than something serious; and I can’t settle for that. Not with him.

Maybe we’re just not meant to be. If so, then I need to make peace with that, and move the heck on. I can’t hold on anymore without a sign from him. It would hurt too much. If friends are what we are, than friends it is. I want the line to be clear. I want the uncertainty to stop.

If nothing else, I have good memories of Tokyo. I’ll always associate it with him, and with the 5 days I spent there. And if I get asked what’s the craziest thing I’ve ever done, this would probably be it. Heh.

Other random observations: Tokyoites are well-dressed. Not that I always understand or agree with their fashion choices, but they are trendy people. I esp. love the knee socks with heels trend and would love to wear it here. Jap guys can dress well too, though sometimes on the effeminate side. The girls have fabulous hair! I am so jealous with the wonderfulness of their hair. I, however, do not understand the fake tan look that some of them adopted. Eh, it was just odd. I hardly saw tourists around except when I was at the historical sites. Miso soup is TEH SHIT. I love the sticky rice. I didn’t starve to death as I always joked I would. Haha. Sign language and a smile can work wonders. LOL.

Random thoughts: My favourite times with him were actually when we were just walking, hand-in-hand and talking. I like that. He has really sexy forearms. Heh. I like having to stand on my tippy toes to hug him properly. I found out really random information about him, like how he’s allergic to metal. He makes me smile when he breaks out in a dance move in the middle of nowhere when he hears a song to groove to. He hates his hair, but I love to run my fingers through it, which annoys him sometimes. Ahahah.

So, yes.

Tokyo was great.

P/S: Picspam coming soon! There are more pics of Tokyo itself than of me in Tokyo, but it’s all right. Heh.

P/P/S: In case anyone was wondering, YKW stands for You-Know-Who. It started back in Carolina between Aishah and me. Heh.

I think too much.

I over-think.

And I make things harder for myself than they have to be.

I was in a weird funk of a mood today… and I don’t even really know why．　Ｉ do know that I ruined the day for myself… and for him too. And I didn’t even mean to! Sigh. I was just thinking so much that I forgot to enjoy the moment. Instead I over-analysed what was going on.

I don’t think he realizes just how much I feel for him. I mean, he knows…　but in some ways he doesn’t.

So it is hard for me. And me overthinking makes it worse.

Tomorrow is my last day in Tokyo. My last day with him. God knows when I’ll see him again. God knows what’ll happen.

I just wish I were the type to just let whatever happen.

I’m just scared. About ｗｈａｔ will happen. And what won’t happen.

I hate being scared.

Hi hi hi!

Two days in Tokyo already.. and it is almost half over which makes me sad. But, I am so having the time of my life, so it is allllll damn damn good.

Firstly, Tokyo has taken me by surprise. I am liking it a lot more than I thought I would. Then again, I do love big cities so maybe it isn`t that much of a surprise. The language barrier is an issue but it`s not a huge deal. Of course, I have YKW with me sometimes and he does all the talking (and sounds cute doing it). But other times, a smile, a nod, a thank you will go a long way. So I am not too bothered.

But yeah. So many things to see and do! I dunno if I’d be able to do it all. But, the important thing is that I am enjoying myself. So, yeah.

About the boy? Weeeeell, things are v. good. Better than　good. But I don’t wanna jinx myself so I’ll leave it at there for now. Hee!

Three more days. Sigh. (Going home is gonna suck.)

All packed. Ready to go. Thanks for all the well wishes from everyone; with all that good karma, how can my trip go wrong? Heh.

So, yes. Be back on Tuesday.

Tokyo.  Woot woot!
*grin*

Remember some time ago I was raving about some dance videos on youtube?

SYTYCD is having its S2 right now, and since I was bored, I decided to see what’s going on. So I went to rickey.org cos I know he posted S1 stuff and I thought he might have S2 stuff too. And then when I read some of the comments people left, I saw the name ‘Ivan’, and thought “Hmmmm, could it be?” So I check out the official site.

Lo and behold, it really is none other than the “tall dude in the stripey shirt [who] totally kicks ass” that I was babbling about! Eeeeeee! So I check out his audition clip, and, damn, I really love the way that boy moves. (And yes, boy is the correct term… he’s a young young 18. I feel so bloody old now.) I’ve seen a bunch of other clips of him in dance classes, and really, boy. can. move.

Alas, he didn’t do too well in his salsa perf on the show, got in the B3 and barely survived. I hope he does a hip-hop routine soon ‘cos he would kill on that, for sure.

Dear Self,

I know that you’re super duper uber excited about Tokyo. A little nervous, yes. But a lot more excited. Don’t worry, don’t stress; you’ll be just fine. Don’t let the language barrier freak you out too much. And if you get/feel lost, that’s okay. Just take a deep breath, and chill. And enjoy the fact that you’re in Japan. Sometimes, being lost and just wandering around can be a good thing; you never know what you might find/see/experience. Like they say, it’s not the destination but the journey that counts.

But this letter isn’t so much about reassuring you about Tokyo. It’s about something more intangible. Not really a warning, but just to say: be careful.

Be careful. To not think that something will happen. I mean, really, who knows? But don’t set yourself up for heartbreak. Just, don’t. Because this time around will probably hurt helluva lot more. I know that there are times you feel that there’s something there between the two of you; the problem is, you don’t know if it’s just wishful thinking and you seeing things that aren’t really there. You’ve never really been sure where you stand with him; that’s half the fun, but that’s also half the heartbreak. So, please be careful. Don’t hope too much. Don’t expect something. Just, don’t.

That advice is easy to give, but I know it’s hard to follow. But, try. Enjoy Tokyo. Enjoy experiencing something new by yourself. Enjoy sharing that experience with him. Enjoy his friendship.

No expectations. Maybe you’ll be happily surprised.

Love,
Me

Oyyyyyyyy. *facepalm*

I am a dork. Hopeless. A total goner.

I was chatting to YKW on MSN, makng plans for Tokyo. And we decided that Skype would probably be easier. So, we talked, for like the first time since early December 2004. Yeah.

Anyway. It was really nice to hear his voice again. (Oh God, that sounds soooo gay!) It was also nice because, on my end that is, I feel more comfortable around him now than I did way back when. It was nerve-wrecking whenever we spoke, cos  I was so conscious of the fact that I was(/am) so into him and that he had a girlfriend. Like, y’know, I didn’t wanna give off a I’m-interested-in-you vibe (although, sadly, I failed, cos he figured it out anyhow). So there was always a level of discomfort for me, back then. Now? I’m just fine. It’s easier for me to talk to him now, because we have that basis of being friends. And also because he knows that I like him, so I don’t have to worry so much about saying something stupid. Ahahahaha.

Right. So, we talked about our Tokyo plans. (And he made fun of how much I like to plan stuff. I can’t help it; I’m a Virgo!) We talked about his school. (And I teased him for being a nerd. Ahahahah.) We talked about dance (and how he goes to the girls’ hip-hop class ‘cos he prefers the choreography compared to the normal hip-hop class!). And random stuff. Oh, and he made fun of my “accent”. Whatever, American-boy!

Did I mention that I was smiling/grinning throughout most of our convo? No? Well, yeah.  *facepalm*

Tokyo plans are mostly set:
Thursday: Hello, Tokyo! I arrive in the morning. Will probably go around on my own after I check-in. Meeting YKW at around 5-ish after his classes end. Dinner, then dance class!
Friday: YKW has class til 3, so I’ll be roaming around on my own til then. We’ll go to the Imperial Palace (Yay!). And do some more sightseeing. And then dinner, before he has to leave for a dance gathering thingy.
Saturday: More sightseeing. Maybe (window-)shopping? Then, clubbing at night! Woot woot! So exciting. We might stay out all night, if we can handle it. Ahahaha.
Sunday: Hakone! Have to leave early in the morning for the almost 2 hour train ride there. Then, to a hot springs/water park called Yunessun. (The place is SO TEH SHIT. They have stuff like a green tea spa, coffee spa, red wine spa. I’m just gonna sit there and relax yo. Oh, and there are also water rides. Wooo!) We’re gonna do the “loop” route around Hakone, which is apparently very beautiful. Hopefully visibility will be good enough to see Mt. Fuji! (I’m most excited about this, actually. Cos it looks like a v. beautiful place. It’s also gonna be my most expensive day. Hahaha.)
Monday: Recover from craaaazy weekend and see some more of Tokyo. Meet YKW in the afternoon, then dinner.
Tuesday: Bye bye, Tokyo.

Still some gaps here and there. I need to plan what I’m gonna try and see on my own, while he’s in school. I have to plan, cos I’d rather not be totally lost while by myself. Heh. Or maybe I’ll just walk around aimlessly. Ahahahaha.

One week, one week! I’m so EXCITED!

(I wrote a post a few days ago. The Internet ate it up, and I was too lazy to rewrite. Woe. So I decided to finish up my post about Manila.)

For those not in the know, I’m half-Filipina courtesy of my mommy. I haven’t been back in the Philippines since I was like 15/16, so I guess this trip was long overdue. I don’t speak Tagalog now, though I used to back when I was much younger and we used to go back every year. But we stopped, mainly because my grandparents had passed away and one of my cousins has worked and lived here for a few years now and so, my family there comes here instead.

Anyway, I still understand quite a bit of Tagalog (my mom speaks it with her friends and with my cousin, so after a while you pick up the meaning) so I didn’t feel totally out of my element. The two weeks were, admittedly, a little weird for me, because I am in some ways out of the loop. I’m not v. close to my cousins; we got along well when we were younger but we’ve all sorta like gone in different directions, I guess. Plus, there’s the fact most of them are now married (with children)! I’m still in my delusional I-still-be-wanna-young-and-carefree stage so clearly our lives have different priorities. There was, of course, a little bit of a language barrier. I also somehow felt that people took one look at me and knew that I was a foreigner. That probably was just me, but I felt so conspicuous sometimes.

ANYWAY.

It sounds like I had a terrible time, but I actually did have fun. I was quiet a lot, which worried my aunt and my mom, but then it’s not like I’m an extrovert. Besides, my mom was social enough for the both of us! Hehehehe. We made the trip with my cousin Jill, her two toddlers, and my grand-uncle.

The reason we went was my cousin’s wedding, so I’ll talk about that first. I dunno what exactly it is about weddings and brides, but they always seem to be beautiful.

The color theme for the wedding was a lime-ish green. I was one of the bridesmaids (probably the only time I’ll be one in my lifetime!) and I had this pretty, green dress to wear. And had my make-up and hair done! That was fun. And I looked pretty nice, if I do say so myself. Heh. My… erm, escort (?) down the aisle (ie. The grooms man I was partnered with) was RJ, who is my second cousin, if I’m not mistaken. (By the way, thanks Hani for suggesting that I’ll probably be related to most of the guys at the wedding…. Sadly, you were right! And everytime I spotted someone cute, I’d be wondering how I might be related to him. Ahahahaha. Geeeez.) I felt a little odd walking down the aisle, and I can’t really explain why. I’m like the farthest I can be from marriage so I guess my pseudo-walk down the aisle felt strange. Ahahaha.

My cousin, Joan, looked absolutely stunning. Her walk down the aisle was accompanied by this uber-sappy love song (didn’t recognize it), and it really was the kind of wedding you’d see in movies. The whole effect was quite magical: the music, the bride, the walk down the aisle. I admit that I might’ve gotten a little teary. (Yes, I’m a sap like that.) The ceremony was really nice (though long!).

During the photo-taking bit of the day, my niece, Sam, decided that she wanted to be in all the photos and refused to budge from her place in the front of the bride and groom. It was kinda funny; if anyone asked her to go, she’d go, “No!” and even yelled out her baby brother’s name and asked him to come stand next to her. It was cute, I guess…. But she’s pretty much in all the wedding pics! Heh.

The wedding reception was held nearby, in an enclosed garden-type of place Again, it was very beautiful. There was a gazebo-type thingy for the newlyweds to sit in. The weather held up (it only started to rain later that evening after all the guests had left) so it was just perfect. Especially when dusk set in. (I felt a little alone during the reception though, cos my mom and I were seated at different tables. I tried to make do, but I felt so out of my element. Eh. I sucked it up.)

It was a dream wedding. Unfortunately, I don’t have any of the photos. Our cam died (it fell… and so, bye bye cam.) and so whatever pics we have are on Jill’s cam. I dunno when I’m gonna get a copy of that. There aren’t that many pics, anyway, cos we were all too busy. Hopefully, I’ll get to see the “official” wedding photos when they’re ready.

Besides the wedding, there was some major shopping done. Heh. Thank goodness I left my debit card behind, else I would’ve spent my Tokyo money. LOL. Bought some bags, shoes, slippers, a bunch of tops. I had to restrain myself a lot. Still, I came away with like 10 tops, capri pants, a pair of Levi’s, a pair of shoes, 3 slippers and 3 bags. LOL. And to think that I didn’t even get to buy any clothes at SM (SM is the biggest-ass department store there)!

I also had 2 manicures and pedicures (sooooo cheap). And I had my hair colored, highlighted, and treated. All in the comfort of my aunt’s home, cos the hairstylist came by to test out hairstyles on the bride. Hehe. I really love my hair now. The color’s lighter than the previous time, and the curls are loosening up, so it’s all good.

We seriously lived larged in Manila. Heh. Shopping, eating out almost every night, and all that jazz. For our last 4 days, we stayed at this little condo in a place called Eastwood City. It was soooo the shit, because just across the road is a small mall and a lot of restaurants, cafes, bars. The atmosphere is lot like Clarke Quay, so it was really fun. Tried out a few restaurants, and at night we listened to live, acoustic music at one of the bars. Awesomeness.

Which brings me to my next topic: boys. I give a thumbs up for Flip dudes. I dunno exactly what it is about them, but I guess it’s the fact that they have style and they carry themselves well. And well, I did see some good-looking ones. Yes, some of them Colby-types. LOL. Next time, I am soooo getting myself a Flip boyfriend. Heehehe.

I really seem to have this thing for um… creative guys. Dancers and musicians, to be precise. Boys with guitars, especially. (Plus, I think that being passionate about something is damn attractive.) The two bars that we went to, I thought the bass players were reaaaaally cute. We went to this place called OJ’s twice, once on Thursday and again on Saturday and both nights featured the same band. Yes, with a cute bass player. Heh. On Friday night, we went to a different bar. The band was three older dudes, and a younger one. And he was the cute bass player. He reminded me of someone, and I finally figured out that he had the same kind of smile as Jon Jonsson. Heh. He was damn good, so I was impressed. And he sang “Wherever You Will Go” (he sounded good), and so I was doubly impressed.

Of course, my dear mother had to ruin it for me. Before we left, we came across the girl (daughter of one of the older dudes) who sang with the band for a bit, and my mom stopped to say hello and tell her that she enjoyed the set. And I, knowing my mother, knew that she would do something. And sure enough, as I was edging away to skulk back to the car, I hear her say “I wanna introduce my daughter”, and I was like, “Shit, no.” Sure enough, she had Cute Bass Player in tow. (Sadly the Jon-resemblance faded away in close quarters, though he still was kinda cute.) We shook hands, said hi, and then I left my mom there. I was pissed at her for doing that. I really HATE it when she does that; I know that she kinda means well, but I don’t respond when being forced into a situation like that. Kinda like the time she introduced one of her colleagues to me after mentioning him to me a few times; I hate hate hate feeling like I’m being prodded into something. Besides, I was perfectly happy admiring his cuteness from afar, and she had to kill my buzz. Thanks, mom.

Anyway, yes, there are hot Flip guys. And if I were to meet one, I’d rather not do it while my mom is watching or prodding me into it. Ahahaha.

What else what else? Oh, we also went to this place called Tagaytay (Ta-guy-tai) for a few days. It’s a bit like Genting/Cameron Highlands… except that it has a lake, and a small dormant volcano in the middle of the lake. We ate at this restaurant with a great view, and it just looked like a photograph or a painting or something. It looked surreal, the colors of the lake and sky and greenery were so vivid. From there, we drove to Batangas to see a bit of the beach there. We also went to the casino there, and played at the slot machines (5 pesos each time, which is like 5 cents? Maybe less.). I had zero luck in the beginning, but we evened out, so it wasn’t too bad. It’s so mindless and rests on nothing but chance.

I was frankly bored most of the time we were there. I forgot to bring my book, there was no cable tv, so thank goodness for JD!pod, else I might’ve killed myself from boredom. Luckily we only stayed 3 days before heading back to Manila, where we stayed at that condo I mentioned above.

The traffic in Manila is horrendous. I don’t like long car rides, so imagine how much I hated being stuck in traffic. Aaargh. The horror. Again, thank God for JD!pod. He kept the motion-sickness at bay.

Something that I already knew but was further emphasized during the trip: it’s hard to me to be all of myself when I’m with my mom. I mean, my mom is cool, we get along well, and we do talk about a lot of things. We’re friends but we’re mother and daughter first, I think. Or that’s the way I see it. So even as cool as my mom can be, I find that I can’t really be myself when I’m around her. Which is natural, I guess. But it put me in a weird place while I was there, because I found that I became more quiet and restrained in situations when I might’ve been otherwise. Case in point: Cute Bass Player situation. I might’ve been friendlier if I was caught in that situation without my mom there. I dunno. I guess what I felt sometimes was isolated. Alone even when the room was full. Sounds so emo, I know, but imagine being in a room with other people who know each other well, who speak the same language, who have a history… and you don’t really know anyone. Admittedly, I could’ve made a better effort but sometimes that feeling of alone-ness was too much. And then I just retreat further into my shell. What really did save me were my niece and nephew; playing with them, amusing them, trying to stop them from whatever mischief they’re up to… it was tiring and frustrating but it was fun too.

But yeah. I did have a good time. So, in the end, that’s all that matters. And it was good for me to reconnect with the other part of my heritage and to see the maternal side of my family tree. I really should learn Tagalog, so next time around things will go much more smoothly for me! Heh.

I love my friends.

Yesterday was Dance Day, as most Wednesdays have been for the past 4 years (!!!). Heh. We had our last class before DR rehearsals start. It was a cobinted junior+senior class, so the studio was full. It was so much fun, though tiring as heck. Then after that, we had our BBQ. With the dance peeps, there’s never a dull moment.

We ran out of marshmallows v. early, and then Val and I kicked up a pseudo-fuss about it and harrassed Matt. Ahahahaha. No more marshmallows? Sacrilege! (No, really. I was sad. More marshmallowsssssss!)

(Pic from dear Val. Clicky clicky.)

A bunch of us just sat around the table and waited for the food to come to us. We called ourselves the Fork-ers, cos we always had a fork in our hand. Ahahahah. And everytime a plate of food came to us, we’d devour as though we haven’t eaten in weeks. Hilarious! And it really was v. nice of the others to humor us and come to us with food, even though our lazy asses did nothing. Heheheh. We also played games. So. freakin’. FUNNY. Of course, there were other random funny things that happened… the kind of things where you have to experience it for it to be funny. Hahahaha. Like dipping everything in Nutella. Or boys dancing around the BBQ pit like some kind of pagan ritual.

Lots of fun was had, as usually happens at dance-stuff. We can’t help it; we’re just boatloads of fun. Heheheh.

Hung out with the posse today. Went to watch X-Men 3, which is sooo TEH SHIT. (But next time, I want Gambit damnit!) We were like talking during the movie and probably pissed some people off, but whatever. Heh. Had a late lunch, window-shopped and then decided to go to Parkway. Randomness. More window-shopping, and then more eating. It was fun though, cos we laughed so much about so many random things.

Cal came back from her holiday in Phuket and she got me a reaaaally cute t-shirt. Love it. It says “Friends don’t let friends talk to ugly guys”. Ahahahahhaha. Classic!

I’m getting really really excited about my Tokyo Trip. I still sorta can’t believe I’m actually going. And by myself, no less. And I can’t believe the parentals aren’t making a fuss about it. I’ve managed to dodge any questions about “my friend” who’s there, but who knows how long I can keep that up. Heh. My mom sorta knows anyway, and I suppose she has mentioned it to my dad. Hell, I didn’t even know until recently that she had told everyone and their mother that I was going to Japan (even though the trip wasn’t confirmed then)!

Anyway, I realize and acknowledge that I am a bit of a pampered little girl. It’s a sad truth. And it’s my dad who’s actually spoiling me. I mean, he was the one was paid for those 4 months I was on exchange, and that isn’t a paltry sum. And then, now. He got me the tickets, of course, and just the other day he was looking at hotels in Tokyo for me. Apparently he gets a discount at the Hilton (SG$100 p/night yo, which is a damn good deal) but sadly the discount doesn’t apply to family members. (A pity, cos I could’ve been living it up in the Hilton while in Tokyo…. man, that would so be the life!) But he reserved a room at a hotel in the Shinjuku area for me… and it’s under my credit card (and we know that “my credit card” refers to “my credit card that my daddy pays for”), so yeah. Me = pampered. I honestly did not expect him to pay for it and was ready to stay at a hostel or a ryokan, but since he’s willing, I’m not about to say no. Thanks, Pa!

I also recently found out (by “found out”, I mean “overheard my mom mentioning it to someone”) that my dad’s okay with me continuing my studies and getting a Masters, but it’s my mom who wants me to work and get job experience. Of course, I don’t know this ‘cos my dad isn’t the type to willingly share this kind of information with me, but I didn’t know that he was supportive of me wanting to continue studying.

Of course, right now, I don’t feel like I want to keep on studying. It was my plan, when I got into NUS and was freakin’ bitter about being stuck here, that once I graduated, I’d continue in an overseas programme (the grand plan was Columbia, actually… damn, I dreamt big!). Now that I’ve come to this point, I find myself sick of academia and unmotivated to keep going. I still want to, sometime in the future, because I honestly want a higher qualification than a B.S.Sc with a barely competent Honors credit from NUS as my highest qualification. I want to top that. But I know that I’d let myself live in my little world for a long time and I need to get out there into the ‘real world’ and experience things as they are. To start repaying, in some way, the support that my parents have given me. And to find out exactly what it is I love to do. Because I don’t know. And I don’t want to do a Masters without knowing what it is I love to do, and without loving what I’d have to do in a Masters programme. ‘Cos the higher you go in the educational ladder, the more you have to really love and enjoy it, or else it means nothing and it’ll be total torture going through it.

Y’know, sometimes I forget that I have it good. That my life is good. It’s not perfect by any means, but then no life really is perfect. But I have a good life, and I need to remind myself of that. We can get so caught up in what we don’t have that we forget to be grateful for what we do have. And I have a great family, good friends, and a future that is, while currently blank, is somehow quite bright at the same time. I’m doing okay. More than okay. :)

So, before I go to sleep tonight, I’ll stop and think about all the good things in my life and be thankful for them. You should too.

I finally got around to watching the last 2 eps of Supernatural that I didn’t have time to watch before I left. And let’s just say that I will be tuning in next season. I like, I like.

I’d also like to announce that Jensen Ackles is now officially in my List of Future Husbands. Hotdamn, he is one good-looking man. Half the time he’s onscreen, I’m marvelling at how gorgeous he is. Sigh. The other half of the time, I think he’s really good. I just love Dean. Hotness aside, Dean’s a v. interesting character and Jensen plays him perfectly, I think. Strong, sarcastic, protective, a bit of a hero, closed-off, a mix of lovely contradictions, and he kicks ass. All while looking hot as hell. Mmmm, Dean.

That said, I also have a bit of a soft spot for Sam. First off, I’ll be the first to admit my skepticism about Jared P. in a lead role. I honestly couldn’t stand Dean Forrester in GG (Aaaargh!) and didn’t think much of Jared. But he really surprised me, and he’s a better actor than I expected. And I love the little younger-bro details he adds to the role (like his glee when Dean was given the verbal smackdown in that ep with the psychic when they go back to Lawrence). I guess whatever Hate I had stemmed from my hate for GG!Dean rather than Jared himself. I’m also amused by the fact that only Jared can make Jensen look tiny. Ahahhahah. And okay, I now find Jared hot too.

Mmmm, Winchester boys.

I also managed to watch the AI5 finale while in Manila. I was bored through the performance show cos I didn’t care (and it was clear that Taylor would win, anyhow). But the results show was really entertaining. The Boys medley was fun (it was nice to see Ace again!). Elliott was so so good on “One” with Mary J (best duet of the night, for sure) and just about killed me on “A House is Not a Home”. But it was Clay’s surprise appearance that had me squealing. (Yes, I like Clay. AI2 is still my fave season.) New hair, nice suit, awesome voice as usual. And the priceless reaction from faux!Clay. That just rocked. And then, of course, Prince… he may be tiny, but he packs a lot of punch. Heh. Oh yeah, Taylor won. Ehhh. Better him than Kat.

To end wth some Pretty:

This pic makes me wish I could snuggle with him.
(That’s Jensen, by the way. And he just looks adorable. Sigh.)