and i u n f o l d

I want to blog about some of the stuff that’s been going on, but I was lazy. So, instead I’m here gushing again, about dancer!Ivan. He was partnered with Allison this week (again), and they did the Argentine Tango (again) and hip-hop (again). I kinda prefer their 1st tango, which was just scorching hot even though Allison did most of the work.

But this week’s hip-hop? I am in love. So sweet, so cute, so flirty. Looove it. And the bit after they put down the umbrellas and just groove together? Holy crappola, I want to be Allison. dancer!Ivan is totally in his element, and he just is damn good. I love that boy’s style. Sighsighsigh.

(I still love their contemporary piece to death, too.)

Anyway. Here’s the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyAK5xjds2g

I don’t know how to start this post, so I decided to quote myself on Tokyo (heh!):

I never really thought about going to Tokyo before, which is funny considering that it’s one of the major cities in the world. But y’know what? It’s an experience being there. I know that all places are different, and it’s always interesting to visit someplace new. So, in that respect, I’m really glad that I went.

Whenever I go to a new place, I always try to define it somehow. For Tokyo, that was difficult to do. Tokyo is not just one thing, or one place, or one kind of spirit. But I will say that it is frantic. Not in a bad way, but I think that it truly is a city that never sleeps and never stops. People everywhere, going places, on the trains, on the streets, morning, night, all the time. It just keeps going, which is quite amazing.

I’m a big city girl. I love cities. I love them because they’re always full of life and they always have a kind of energy about them. So, I enjoyed the big city aspect of Tokyo. I’m familiar with it. And once you know how things work, getting around is fairly easy.

That said, what I especially love about Tokyo is its history. I’m a history buff and I just love old buildings, traditions, rituals, things that connect people to their past. And Japan has a darn fascinating history and culture. While I appreciated the different vibes of the different neighbourhoods, it was old Tokyo- the shrines, the temples, the Palace- that I really loved.

[Many, many photos ahead. No, really. Also, I really am indulging myself in memories. Yes, a moment of weakness. A very long moment. Ahahaha.]

So these are my happy memories of Tokyo.

EDIT: I was looking through and felt like something was missing. D’oh! I had forgotten a few pics. So I just added them.

(more…)

You think I’d know better than to listen to emo songs.

Not that I’m in a mood per se… it’s just that sometimes realizations take a while to hit you, and it’s difficult to completely let go of something you’ve held on to for a long time. No, I’m not being cryptic, and yes I guess I am referring to John. I really am honestly okay but sometimes something -a memory, a detail, something totally small and insignificant yet significant- sneaks in and catches me by surprise. And I think it’s all right for me to feel that way. I mean, it has only been a month since Tokyo, and only 2 weeks since the truth came and smacked me hard in the face. Given that my feelings for him go back to Fall 2004, I’m doing good, y’know? Heh.

I think what I miss most is the possibility of what he potentially could have been to me. I guess I built up a picture of me and him, and that’s the hardest to let go of. To not even think about it after having it in my mind for so long… it takes time. Mostly I’m good, but I have my moments of weakness. Gaaaaah. I so need to let go of my dream of a dancer!boyfriend, ‘cos the likelihood of it happening here is so damn slim. I need to move to LA or something and find me a dancer!boy like dancer!Ivan. Mmmmmm. Hehehehe.

ANYWAY. (Enough of that crap. I should stop listening to “Why” but I love it so much!) [/stupid]

The whirlwind that my life currently is goes on. Dance dance dance, all the time. (Tickets for the performance are out, so Y’ALL BETTER COME, YA’HEAR?) No progress on the job-front (I’m so not even trying, it’s not even funny). Progress on the gym-front (I am gonna be sore tomorrow, but it’ll be worth it, I hope. I also need more eye candy sightings!). Ummmm.

I went for two castings on Wednesday, neither which I particularly want to talk about. I went clubbing with the dance peeps yesterday, which I will talk about, ‘cos it was a damn interesting night. We went to Momo, and there was a sexiest male butt contest. Yes, you read right. And I’m now scarred for life. Dude… DUDE. I felt like I was at a strip club or something. Damn. We danced up a storm the whole night long like the crazy people that we are. Only clubbing with them will propel me to dance on the platform/podium/thingamajig. My skanky, extroverted, exhibitionist side emerges. Ahahahahah. But no one, and I mean no one, can beat dear Calvin. He is the Podium King, for sure. Hee! It was a lot a lot of fun though, so it’s all good. I also won the Ladies membership card, which is sweeeeet. Andrew came along, and I think between our insanity on the dance floor and that butt contest, we might’ve scared him, even though he said otherwise. Ahahahahah.

What was not good was Val & I being pulled over at a police checkpoint on the cab ride back and having to whip out our IDs for inspection. That kinda freaked me out. But I hear it’s kinda like a routine thing, so I’m not too worried. I hope. Haha.

……

For some reason, I had the urge to delete this entire post. So I better hit ‘publish’ before it hits me again.

P/S: I finally got INXS tickets! Woot woot! JDDDDDDDDDD!

Mom: You’ve become a social butterfly.

Ahahhahahaha. Seriously, I really haven’t stopped running around since I came back from Tokyo. Between dance, hanging out with friends, and other stuff, I’ve been out and about pretty much every day. I can’t remember the last time I was super busy like this. It’s kinda odd for a lazy bum like me. Heh. ‘Cos there have been times when I’ve just holed myself up in my room, reading and going online, amusing myself somehow and basically being in hibernation. But yeah, being busy is kinda a nice change. (I’m probably gonna be running around a lot, at least until the end of the month, I think. Dang.)

So, I finally talked to John on MSN on Friday afternoon. I was online and he happened to be on as well, and he initiated the conversation. It was nice to kinda talk to him for a little bit, and for things to not be weird between us. Ya’know? I don’t want it to be awkward between us, after all that has happened, and I guess it’s not, which is a relief. And while it did feel good to hear from him, that conversation was also a realization that I have removed that tag “Friends with Potential” that I had put on him for so long. Now, it’s “Friends”. In a way, it is a huge relief to not have that expectation on him anymore. For it to be casual and just friendly, and not to wonder if every word means something. So, yeah. Things are okay with John and me, and I’m glad. The memories of Tokyo are much easier to deal with too. Like that saying goes: Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened. (And that’s a damn big smile, cos those Tokyo memories, when viewed without emo-ness and expectations and all that other BS, are pretty sweet.)

The other thing I did do after his e-mail was to ‘purge’. I deleted the copies of the photos on my phone and MSN and kept all my Tokyo memories (ticket stubs, boarding pass, the neoprints and all that kinda stuff) in an envelope and put it in my Carolina box. Just to sorta like erase the remnants of the way I thought about him. Heh. I’m all about the symbolic. I think it did help, in a way. Catharsis, or something like it.
Anyway.

I had an interesting weekend with someone I just met. I have been messaging with this guy on myspace for a little while now. His name is Andrew and he was in NUS on his exchange a few years back and he was planning on relocating here to work. That ended up falling through, but it so happened that he’s here for a business trip, so we kinda arranged to meet up.

We met on Saturday, and we had a nice evening together. Walked around the Esplanade-Fullerton-Boat Quay areas, before heading to Holland V. for dinner at this Indian restaurant. The place was great; cool decor and ambience and the food was good. Then we headed back to the City Hall area, walked to and around Bugis (’cos he wants to get on that huge-ass DHL balloon, heh) and we ended up at the Long Bar at Raffles Hotel. I had never been there before, but it’s an interesting place, though v. touristy. Everyone there seemed like tourists and pretty much everyone was drinking Singapore Sling. Heh. These two ladies even asked me to help them snap a photo. Heh. The fun part was eating roasted peanuts and being able to just drop the shells anywhere.

We made plans to hang out again today, and we went to East Coast to chill out. Sat on the beach, walked around, talked and then we had seafood, which was yummy (though v. messy, haha). (Jen, we should go blading there! I’ve haven’t been in ages, and I wanna!)

Anyway. He’s a really nice guy (I know, I know, ‘nice’ is such a generic word… but still). He is kinda cute, and he has really lovely blue eyes (yeah, me and my thing for blue eyes) with sickeningly long lashes. I like talking to him. I had fun with him, so it’s all good. He’s gonna be here for at least another week, so we’ll probably hang out some more. We’re friends, we have fun, and that’s all. I’m not gonna get ahead of myself or the situation in any way, and just enjoy hanging out with someone new. It’s funny though, ‘cos I joked to Hani that I should find a guy who would wine and dine me, and it kinda happened with Andrew. Not that he’s wining and dining me in that sense, but he offered and has paid for most, if not all, of the meals and stuff we’ve had. I’m just not used to it, I guess. At some point, if we hang out some more, I’m gonna pay for something. Just ‘cos.

Oh oh, the other new thing in my life is my 3-month gym membership. LOL. I finally got off my ass and redeemed it, and so I will be a gym bunny for the next 3 months. Should be fun. I’ve been twice so far, and I’ve done mostly cardio stuff. And I’m not as fit as I was, which kinda sucks. But I’ll work my way back there. I also wanna start going for the exercise classes which should be more fun.

The interesting bit is that both times I was there, I saw a certain cute MTV VJ. Heehee. Oh yeah, eye candy at the gym! He is so cute, I can’t take it. Maybe if I see him often enough, I’ll start smiling at him. Ahahahaha. Or not. We’ll see how much guts I can dredge up. Let’s just hope that I don’t have unglam moments in front of him.

Dance has been really crazy. And it’ll probably get crazier. Still love it, still enjoy it, still having a ton of fun with the dance peeps. It’s all good. Apparently my grandma commented on me going for dance so much esp. since it doesn’t pay and that I should start looking for a job. Ahahahahah. Yes, I know. There’s also a bunch of competitions coming up, which is interesting. I haven’t danced competitively in a damned long time. The most tempting of all is the Overdrive competition, because of the Wade masterclass, of course. Gah. Wade! I still can’t believe he’s coming here. This is soooo my fangirl year; maybe I should start dreaming big. Heh. Yo JT, make a stop here, okay? *grin*

And lastly, my current favourite song: Annie Lennox - Why. I still love Ivan/Allison’s contemporary piece so much. Le sigh.

I have raved about dancer!Ivan before. He and his partner, Allison, did do a hip-hop routine on the show a few weeks back, and while dancer!Ivan was good, the whole performance as a whole wasn’t as great as I expected. (The clips of him from classes are much more impressive.) Two weeks ago, they did the Argentine Tango and that was kinda hot. But this week’s lyrical performance?

OMG. OMFG. I had doubts about him doing contemporary, but holy crap, that was one hell of performance. They nailed it, in my opinion. I felt it, I bought into the chemistry they showed, and I believed that they were feeling it. It’s just mesmerizing. The choreography is gorgeous and the song is beautiful, but it was them that really sold it for me. I don’t always “get” or like lyrical; I admire the technique required to do a lyrical piece, but it’s the feeling that really makes it work for me. And this one really worked; it just felt so intimate. And intense. And and… I don’t know how else to describe it.

OMG. I really can’t get over this. Or stop watching the video. So good. So feeling feeling. I love it to death. My favourite moment is towards the end when she goes into his arms, he whips her across his body and then slowly lowers her. It’s just so… sexy. And hot. Intense. And just GAH. Gahgahgah. The whole routine is just         *flails hands incoherently*. I just love it.

And I have such a thing for dancer!Ivan now. I mean, I did before… but now, it’s like woaaaaah.

GODDAMNIT, I WANT A DANCER!BOYFRIEND.

(Sigh.)

(Courtesy of Val. Heh heh.)

Today, on a sort of impulse, I emailed YKW. I basically laid everything out, and asked him to be honest with me. When I got home from dance practice, I saw that he had emailed me back. I freaked out, and was so nervous about reading what he had to say.

It actually is a really nice email. He basically said that he was really glad that I came, and that he wanted things to happen between us too. But he felt like we moved too fast, skipped a step or something and it didn’t quite feel right for him. And there’s also the fact that we live so far apart. That I’m moving onto a new phase of my life and it would be better if I didn’t keep hanging onto/wondering about him. That it’d be better if we stayed friends.

And I understand what he means, rationally (though, of course, that didn’t stop me from wanting to be with him). I did feel like we moved too fast, but when you want something so bad, you disregard the details and you just live in that moment where you finally get what you want. I wanted it so much that I wasn’t questioning anything… until that Sunday when I got in a weird mood and started thinking about it. And I think that was around the time when he started having doubts too.

I’m okay. At least, now I know. I understand his reasons; I shared some of them (the difference for me is that I was too willing to plunge into something ‘cos I had wanted it for so long and that I had blind faith that it would work out). I guess he’s the rational, practical and mature one. I’m the one who’s been all emo and not really thinking. I appreciate that he did want things to go right for us, but it just didn’t for whatever reason and that he would want to save the friendship instead of going into something that might not have lasted. Because the real truth is that we don’t know each other well enough to go into something long-distance; that we didn’t actually spend much time together in Carolina and we only had 5 days in Tokyo together; that we moved so fast because we both wanted it but consequently what happened was that it wasn’t right for us in the long-run (though I still wanted it).

At the v. least, I know that whatever happened between us did mean something and that it wasn’t just a game or for fun. That he wanted something to happen between us as much as I did, but it just didn’t work out. So, yeah. This is my closure. For real, for real.

And y’know? Friends isn’t such a bad place to be.

Anyway, I e-mailed him back, and said that I understood his reasons and that I felt some of them but I was stuck in my happy moment and didn’t question it. Told him Hani thought we totally skipped the ‘friends’ stage ‘cos we were like attracted to each other from the start, and how now after all that has happened, hopefully we can really do the friends thing and do it right. And I thanked him for being honest with me.

Sometimes, things just don’t work out. Wrong timing, wrong circumstances, wrong whatever. And that’s okay. And I’m okay. It’s a little bittersweet, I guess… but it’s okay.

So, this is how my story ends.

(I’m probably not gonna be talking about him much anymore. And if I do, I’ll now be referring to him by his real name as a symbolic way of letting go of something I had wanted for so long. No more YKW.)

Edited to say: So, it seems like The Book is right. And I guess reading it did help me get some clarity, and the reason I’m okay now is because I had already started to let it go after I read The Book, saw myself and my situation in it and deduced what it meant.

And just to remind myself of what I said and of what I want:

“I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. I want someone who is willing to try a relationship, even if the situation is not perfect. I want someone who is so into me that he wants to tell me that he likes me, and that he makes the effort to make me feel like the special, fabulous girl I am. I want to be with someone who does not make me doubt how he feels about me…. And as the book says, there’s someone out there who will want to give me everything.”

Now, to go out and find that guy. :)

I am now officially a college graduate. Woot woot! Today turned out to be quite fun. It was a bit of mad rush in the morning, cos I took a little longer to get ready, there was a long security line when I got there and I had to rush to get into my graduation robe. Phew. But it was really great to see my friends again, esp. those in different majors that I don’t see as often. And I was seated with some of my friends so we snarked throughout most of the ceremony. Heh.

The ceremony was about 2 and a half hours long. We had some big-wigs attending since it was the main ceremony for this year’s commencement and they were conferring an honorary doctorate to someone. Pretty cool. But I got jittery by the halfway mark, cos it was kinda boring. Ahahahahha. I was disappointed by the valedictorian speech, and the speech by the Uni. Prez, though long, was quite nice.

Sad to say, but it’s a little anti-climatic. Studying for 4 years for those 10 seconds you get when they call out your name, and you walk across to stage to receive your scroll as people applaud. It is kinda cool though. Heh. My parents came, and as parents are at such occassions, they were proud and happy and all. So, I guess the graduation ceremony is as much as a gift to them as it is a mark of one’s accomplishment.

The fun part of the day was the photo-taking, of course. But that was after we stuffed our faces with food (and damn, the food was pretty good). Weirdly enough, the fugly robes don’t look as bad as I expected. Maybe ‘cos everyone was wearing them so it just seemed normal. Or maybe ‘cos there were kookier robes than ours. Ahahahah. Anyway, I’m too lazy to resize and all that, so I’m just gonna post my photos with my friends at webshots or do another picspam later. This picspam is alllll me. Heh. Hey, it’s not everyday that one becomes a college graduate! *grin*

Congratulations to the Class of 2006!

Dance rehearsal today was erm, interesting. Ahahahaha. The routine we’re working on for the Sept. show (which y’all must come to!) is… um, sexy? Ahahahahha. Okay, it is. But it’s v. unsexy now. But it’s fun to do. Heh.

So, of course, stupid!Liza had to be thinking of him. Imagining how much fun it’d be to dance with him again. Yeah. There’s no one here who moves like he does (and if there was, I’d be all over him like butter on bread… ahahahahha), and y’all know how much I love the way he moves. Sigh.

Aaaargh.

It’s really tiring trying to be strong and not to let it affect me. I feel drained from the effort not to think about him so much. It still fuckin’ hurts, damnit! Even when I rationally know and realize how utterly stupid the situation is, it takes a while for that information to reach my heart.

Oh God, I’ve been whining so much. And I haaaaate it. Hate. *headdesk*
(Whining aside, I’m okay. I just want to rant. Let it all out.)

ANYWAY.

Graduation’s tomorrow. Remember how I was kinda looking forward to it? Ehhhhhh.

I’ve been feeling a lot better ever since I had my “He’s just not that into me” epiphany. The truth does hurt, but it is liberating too, in a way. I’ve haven’t been so bogged down with thoughts and emo-ness, and all that excruciatingly frustrating stuff that goes along with angsting over Boy Drama. Of course, it helps that I’ve kept myself busy in the last few days. By design or by coincidence, I dunno, but it worked.

For example, yesterday, I had a great time hanging out and shopping and eating a lot with Val. Ahahahaha. We hit dunno-how-many Mango outlets, 2 Zara outlets, and a lot of stores in between. And I indulged in some retail therapy (which prompted my mom to comment, “Are you drowning your sorrows in shopping?” Ahahhahaha). I’m really pleased with the stuff I bought, and I can’t wait to wear them and to look and feel fabulous. Hee! We ended the day with chocolate fondue at Anderson’s, which is probably the most decadent thing ever. Geeeeez, that was some good stuff. I’ve really been OD-ing on chocolate and ice-cream in the last week. Heh. (Val, we should do that again!)

Not to say that I don’t think of him at all. I think of him at the weirdest times, really. Like today when I had lunch with Jen and I was sitting facing a foodstall that sold Jap food and another foodstall that sold Roti John. (Heh!) Or when I’m on the train and I see a couple holding hands or whatever, and I remember how he would hold me close in a crowded train so that I wouldn’t lose my balance and fall. That damn shade of green also reminds me of him (of course). Or when I was at Starbucks getting coffee, and I recall how he doesn’t drink coffee but loves chai. (It’s all the damn details that kill me. Sigh.) Or the random urge I get to e-mail him just to say hi, or to make the first move and talk to him when he’s online. (I ruthlessly suppress that urge!)

And then I find myself wondering (again….), because it seemed right. Ya’know, being with him. I remember the really wonderful time I had with him, and wonder why he doesn’t feel the same. WHYWHYWHY? And it still hurts. But then I remember The Book, and remind myself that no matter how I feel or what Tokyo means to me, the signs point to he’s just not that into me. And me wondering and hoping is futile, because it won’t change the way he feels (or the way he doesn’t feel). In the end, it’s his loss, really, because there is so much that I would wanna give him, if he wanted to be with me.

So, yeah. *shrug* You deal with it, somehow. Days go by, and it gets better.

My song-of-the-moment is Kelly Clarkson - Since You’ve Been Gone. I’ve heard it before but I never really paid attention to the lyrics. But it is so my song. It describes my situation perfectly. It’s my theme song, y’all. Heh. I’ve also been listening to Mary J. Blige - Enough Crying a lot. Michelle Featherstone - Cigarettes & Coffee is another one. And Tyler Hilton - Missing You. But yes, the Kelly Clarkson song is IT. I love singing along to it. Heh.

I think my karma or whatever is out of synch with the universe. This week has been really rough on me. It’s like nothing I do can go right… instead, everything’s fucked up. The good news is that it’s Sunday and maybe next week will bring good things. It can only get better, no?

I went to the SQ cabin crew recruitment thingy today. I went by myself, but that wasn’t an issue. Anyway, I got through the first round. Basically what happened was that we were grouped in 10s, and then ushered into a room with two ‘interviewers’ and told to stand up and introduce ourselves. Piece of cake. I was the 8th one, so I had time to compose myself and see how some girls crashed and burned. Anyway, I know how to BS so I did well. I was nervous for sure, but you have to fake confidence even if you don’t feel it. I faked it pretty damn well, ‘cos one of the girls said that I was good. Ahahahah.

Round 2 was them taking your height and weight and then trying on the uniform and being inspected by someone, for scars and whatever, I guess. Yes, if it does sound like a cattle call, it is. Anyway, I was scrutinized by the lady… and then basically rejected. Why? ‘Cos my complexion should be clearer. Uh huh. She was looking at my face, then asked if I was doing anything for my skin. Of course, I’m on a skincare regimen, and I told her so. Then she tells me that the next round is on Monday and they will apparently be v. harsh, and that there’s no point in letting me through only to get rejected. At this point, I’m like WTF?!?! What can I say to that? So then, she was all like, well you can do something about it and then come back and try again next time. And I went, Okay thanks. Walked away.

What. THE. FUCK.

She basically made me feel like I was 15 again and had really really problematic, bad, breaking-out-all-the-damn-time skin. I know that my skin is not perfect. It’s one thing (apart from having bigger boobs…. ahahahhaha) about myself that I would change if I could. But, at this point of time, I feel like my skin is at a pretty good place. I’m not breaking out all the time; I have some scars but I’m not like hideously disfigured. I looked in the mirror after I left, and I honestly couldn’t understand why she was so harsh.

I can handle being rejected, if I didn’t find the reason so ridiculous. If I had screwed up, then it would’ve been my fault. But c’mon. I handled myself well in the first round, I’m more than qualified, I’m tall, I’m at least average-looking, I look at least decent in the uniform, and you say, ‘Sorry, you must have a perfect complexion.’ *mind is boggled* I was upset at how bloody trivial it is. I don’t know if the lady just hated me on sight or if their standards really are that stringent.

When I left, I was really upset and frustrated. Called my mom and ranted to her. Called Cal, and ranted to her too. I felt so sorta like helpless, because I feel like there’s v. little that I can do about the state of my skin. In all likelihood, the scars will always be there to some degree. (Unless I take drastic measures. Haha.) Maybe I should’ve worn thicker make-up. I don’t know. And I don’t know if I’ll try again next time.

*shrug* Anyway, now, I’m, like, whatever about it. It’s still fucked up, but maybe this closed door will lead to a better door being opened for me somewhere else.

Of course, the other source of fucked-up-ness is stupid Boy Drama. ‘Cept that I’ve decided not to let it bother me anymore. I was completely affected for 2-3 days after I came home; I was emo-fucked, frustrated, missing him, angsting and being a total girl about it. And still, nothing from him.

I borrowed He’s Just Not That Into You from the library to help give me some clarity. Heh. It’s not a deep book by any means, nor is it scientific. But it’s entertaining and humorous and there is at least a kernel of truth in what’s being said in it. And one particular chapter really resonated with me because it applies to my Boy Drama: He’s just not that into you if he’s disappeared on you.

Excerpts that I am totally relate to:

From Ch. 3 - “He’s just not that into you if he’s not dating you”:

“Oh, there seems to be so many variations to dating, particularly in the early stages of a relationship. So many gray, murky areas of vagueness, mystery and no questions asked. Dudes love this time because that’s when they get to pretend they’re not really dating you. Then they also get to pretend that they’re not really responsible for your feelings.”

“Men, just like women, want to feel emotionally protected when a relationship starts to become serious. One way they do that is by laying claim to it. They actually want to say “I’m your boyfriend” or “I’d like to be your boyfriend” or “If you ever break up with that other guy who’s not your boyfriend, I’d like to be your boyfriend.” A man who’s really into you is going to want you all to himself.”

“Make this solemn vow about your future romantic relationships: no more murky, no more gray, no more unidentified, and no more undeclared.”

“There’s a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he’s your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him.”

From Ch. 9 - “He’s just not that into you if he’s disappeared on you”:

“He’s gone. Poof. Vanished into thin air. Well, there’s no mixed message here. He’s made it clear he’s so not into you that he couldn’t even bother to leave you a Post-it.”

“There’s nothing worse than having no answer…. But the bad news is, no answer is your answer. He may not have written you a good-bye note, but his silence is a deafening “see you later”. The only reason to ever write him again is to give him the chance to say it louder, with words.”

“Don’t ask yourself what you did wrong or how you could have done it differently. Don’t waste your valuable heart and mind trying to figure out why he did what he did. Or thinking back on all the things he said, and wondering what was the truth and what was the lie. The only thing you need to know is that it’s really good news: He’s gone.”

And two important things I should’ve learnt from the chapter: 1) No answer is your answer; and 2) Don’t give him the chance to reject you again.

It was so funny when I read this chapter because I saw myself in it. And I saw what I was doing, and how I was deluding myself. And y’know the book is right. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. I want someone who is willing to try a relationship, even if the situation is not perfect. I want someone who is so into me that he wants to tell me that he likes me, and that he makes the effort to make me feel like the special, fabulous girl I am. I want to be with someone who does not make me doubt how he feels about me.

Why am I hanging on to this guy when he has given me so little to hang onto? I’m better than the little scraps of hope and affection that I get. I’m better than that. And as the book says, there’s someone out there who will want to give me everything.

So, y’know. I’m done, really. I’m letting it go. He’s just not that into me. And that’s fine. I can’t (and won’t) do anything about it, if he doesn’t feel like I do. He can’t give me what I want. I’m sad and disappointed, but I am letting it go. Let it burn, baby. Let it burn.

I’m moving on. I guess it’s time to let go of old hopes and dream of new dreams.

(And if anyone wants to read the book, let me know and I’ll pass it to you. Hehe. Most of it is common-sense, but believe me, chances are you’ll recognize yourself in some of the situations if you’ve had Boy Drama before.)