and i u n f o l d

I want to marry JD. No, really. Really. He is soooo my OTL. He’s passionate (about his music, I mean… hur hur), sexy as hell (as I’ve mentioned, I wanna have hot sweaty mindblowing sex with him!), gorgeous (pretty eyes! hot body! hotttttt bodyyyyy), is a Virgo (not that that means much, but stll…), articulate (he is so quotable), has sexy moves (mmmm…), can kick anyone’s ass any day anytime (he’s a black belt), sweet… and and, I just adoooore him. Lovelovelove. We’d have cute Canadian-Malay-Filipino kids who can sing, dance and kick ass. Ahahahaha. Oh yeah.

I told my mom today about meeting JD. It went something like this:

Me: I want to show you something. *hands over camera with pic of us together*
Mom: Who’s that? *squints*
Me: *laughs* JD
Mom: *freaks out* OMG! OMG! You met him?!?! He’s so gorgeous!
Me: *giggles like a fangirl*
Mom: Where did you meet him?
Me: At the airport
Mom: Why didn’t you tell me? I was there for training in the morning!
Me: It was kinda an impulse.
Mom: Was he nice?
Me: *tells story of what happened*
Mom: Did you leave your name and contact in the book?
Me: No
Mom: Whyyyyyy? You should’ve!
Me: Ehhhh, I wanted to but decided against it.
Mom: You should date someone like him. He makes you look tiny.
Me: Ahahahahahhaa.

Yes, my mom can be v. cool. Heh.

Happy birthday mommy dearest! I love you. :)

I had high tea with my mom and her friends. I’ve hung out with them before, so I’m used to it. It’s kinda fun (and amusing) in its own way. Heh.

I found out that my mom showed my dad my Tokyo pics. Yikes! Yes, including the ones of me and John. Oyyyyy. (Not that they’re incriminating… but still!) *facepalm* Anyway, my Tokyo trp came up in conversation just now and my mom’s friends were trying to get dirt out of me. They wouldn’t believe me when I said that he isn’t my boyfriend! Waaaaaaaaah. That was kinda funny. I didn’t tell my mom exactly what happened in Tokyo so… eek. I didn’t want the whole story to come out today. (Esp. since lately she was upset with me for not talking to her/sharing info with her as much.)

Then we went to this place called Club 5 at the Plaza hotel at Beach Road, where people dance ballroom! Kinda cool, actually. It’s mostly tai-tais who have the moolah to spend on 1-on-1 dance intruction. V. interesting. There was a couple there that was pretty good; I was impressed. There were also a few older couples who were dancing, and it was cute to see them dancing. Reminds me that I would love to learn ballroom some time in the future. And I’d like a boyfriend who would be willing to learn too! Hehe.

Anyway. It was a pretty fun day out with the mom and the aunties. Heheheheh.

Disclaimer: Yes, I am a fangirl. Yes, I am fuckin’ crazy. I know. But sometimes you just have to take a chance, suck up your pride and just do it. (Y’know, I kinda like this new-and-improved version of Liza who goes after what she wants. If only I could apply this attitude to the more important parts of my life. Ahahaha.)

Warning: Gushing. A lot “” of it.

Sooooo. Okay.

INXS? Was amazing.

None of my friends are into him or the band, so thank goodness for my mom. I went to the concert with her and met up with her friends there. We stood on the left side, pretty far back. I would’ve wanted to be right smack in front, but it’s all right. I could still kinda see the action on stage, and the most important part was that I could hear the band well.

They got onstage an hour late. (So rockstar!) JD swaggered on in black; shades, black jeans, black shirt, black jacket and a yellow/gold tie (untied and just slung around his neck). Even from further away, I could tell he was fuckin’ gorgeous in person. I think he was smoking as they got on, cos he stubbed it out before they went into Suicide Blonde and rocked the house.

JD? Blew my mind. His voice sounded so good, and exactly like what I thought and expected. I really love his voice. When they did Mystify, I was like dying, cos he sounded so bloody good. (Plus I have so much love for that song.) JD commented on how it was hot as hell a few times; by the 2nd or 3rd song, the jacket was off and the shirt was mosly unbuttoned. I was praying that he would just take it off and go half-nekkid the rest of the show. (I joked to my mom that if the shirt came off, I would run to the front for sure. LOL.) Alas, he changed into a short-sleeved black shirt. Still looked hot, as he always does. it must’ve been really hot under the lights and all cos his shirt was soaked wet by the end of the show.

He also did some impromptu rapping, which amused me. And he really made an effort to get the crowd going. Kept asking us if we were having a good time, and of course we roared our approval back at him. There was a lot of banter from him. Sadly I was too far away to really notice any cute moments between the guys. But, I wasn’t so far away that I couldn’t see JD’s sexiness. Mmmmm, he is so TEH SEX. There was some humping of the mic stand, some hip swivelling and general JD-sexiness. Alas, no mic-stand-sex! Still, JD is damn charismatic onstage and he works it like no other.

I didn’t notice much of the other guys cos a) far away; and b) I was off in JD-Land. I remember that Kirk got on the speakers on my side during his sax solo in NTUA (which was so good!). Garry came front stage a few times too. Jon rocked on the drums. And my view of Andrew was pretty much blocked the entire night.

Can’t remember the exact setlist: Suicide Blonde, Devil’s Party, Mystify, Devil Inside, By My Side, What You Need, Need You Tonight, New Sensation, Pretty Vegas, Never Let You Go, Hot Girls, Never Tear Us Apart, Taste It, Afterglow, Original Sin, Don’t Change. The crowd esp. loved the older songs. I loved all of it. Heh. (I have special love for Never Let You Go, thanks to the cute beat and the “move down south and marry a dancer” lyrics! Hahaha.)
The encore was pretty much the best part of the night. The crowd just lapped it up! (some silly people walked out before the encore. D’oh. Stupid move. They missed out.) JD changed into a t-shirt and one of his hats. Did a really cute rapping bit that segued into New Sensation which was so much fun. He was so good on Never Tear Us Apart (though I was sad that he let the crowd do the “whyyyyy” bit, cos I would’ve loved to hear him hit it). I love that song to death. Kirk’s sax solo really rocked too.

Fave moment of the night: when the (older) lady next to me commented, “He is so sexy!”. I could only nod and smile like an idiot.

It was an AWESOME AWESOME night! I can’t believe I saw them live! I only wished that I had come early and stood nearer the stage. But I still had a great time. And the JD-love overfloweth!

When I got home, I uploaded my videos online and hung out at the forums. And found out that they have a press conference scheduled at 2.15pm in KL. That made it easier for me to make an educated guess on which flight they would take. After some thinking, I decided to take the chance…. I had nothing to lose yo.

Had 2 hours of quasi-sleep before hauling ass to the airport. I got there at about 8am, got some coffee and parked myself near Check-in Row 12. I tried to read, keep a lookout and stay inconspicuous! LOL. I saw a bald angmoh dude checking in first class with a lot of luggage and deduced that he was with the band. I was right! The band arrived at about 9am, and it was just them and their people.

I was sitting not v. near where they were, so for about a minute, I was freaking out and trying to get up the nerve to go to them. (Brain: “OMG! There they are! Where’s JD? Eeee! He’s there!” *brain freeze*) I was the only fan there, which made it more nerve-wrecking! I felt so stalkery.

Anyway, I gave myself a pep talk and then walked over. The dude (whom I assume is their tour manager?) was handing out boarding passes and stuff. Tim saw me coming and was smiling, and I smiled sheepishly back. Felt so embarrassed. I said hi; JD turned, smiled, and said hi, how’re you doing. And my mind just blanked. I smiled like an idiot, said “Good, and you?” .

Now, I know that JD is good-looking. But hotdamn, he is better-looking in real life. Seriously. Tall, lanky, lean, gorgeous eyes, lovely smile, great laid-back kinda style. But it’s his demeanour that wins you over. When we were talking, I really felt like he was listening and paying attention to me. He was just a lovely person to meet.

I told him that I wanted to give him something, and JD went “Uh oh”, which made me laugh. I gave him a pretty green notebook and babbled something about how I love to write and how I love to have notebooks and how I thought he could scribble random stuff in that one. He was v. sweet and gushed about how beautiful the notebook was, and asked me how to open it (cos it had 2 wooden sticks holding it closed). He thanked me quite profusely and then leaned over to kiss me on the cheek and give me a hug, and that’s when my brain short-circuited. (Brain: “OMFG! OMFG!! Aaaaaaaaah! Did that just happen? Stay cool, stay cool. EEEEEEEEEE!” *brain dies*)

As he went to put the notebook in his bag, I gushed about how awesome the show was. By this time, Kirk was listening so I directed my gushing to both of them. Heh. Said I had a great time even though I was standing behind and JD made a “Aww, bummer” kinda face, which was cute. He asked if the sound was all right, and I was like yeah, and said that he sounded great and was exactly what I thought he would be. That made him smile. I asked about the heat and he said that it really was hot last night but that it was okay in the end.

They were about to go, so JD thanked me again… and then I asked if I could get a pic with him. He said sure, and took off his sunglasses and we got the photo together. Felt the force of his pretty eyes. He put his arm around me and pulled me closer and I was mentally freaking out. I was like shaking when we stood together for the pic; I was so nervous! (Okay, I was shaking pretty much the entire time. LOL.) Said bye, and hope that he enjoys the rest of the Asian tour. JD was like, thanks, have a great day sweetheart. And I just smiled like a besotted idiot. Garry was still standing around, so I said bye to him and then I left.

I can’t believe I did that, but it was worth it! I felt so self-conscious cos I was the only fan there. And the rest of the guys were smiling at me (in a “Oh, she loves JD” way, I thought, haha) most of the time I was talking to JD, so I was super nervous. I would’ve wanted to speak to the other guys but I felt so intrusive as it was. But JD was really lovely, and very sweet… and very very good-looking. He’s so tall and lanky!

I feel like I’ve died and gone to heaven. I just adore him so much, and I’m so glad I went.

Photos from the concert are here. These are the better ones. Still too blurry for my liking. Oh well.

And the videos. Bear in mind that I was standing pretty far back and I had to 3x zoom on my digicam. Hence, crappy quality. Files are all .avi format.

Enjoy! (Worth the download just to hear JD even though the visual’s not too great.)

http://www.sendspace.com/file/7xd6k9 (11MB)
About 1min of Afterglow.

http://www.sendspace.com/file/7ob0cp (35MB)
3min of Never Let You Go.

http://www.sendspace.com/file/y4awpd (36MB)
2:48min of Need You Tonight. (I love this so much.)

http://www.sendspace.com/file/39v2bk (37MB)
3min of Pretty Vegas (starting from the 1st chorus).

http://www.sendspace.com/file/r7mkmo (26MB)
Rapper!JD, plus some of New Sensation. A little shaky, cos it’s hard to hold still while you’re trying to dance along. LOL.

http://www.sendspace.com/file/xhiiq0 (37MB)
NTUA, with a little bit of Kirk standing on the speakers during his sax solo. (My fave of the night.)

I’m tired…. but too wired up to sleep! Wooooooo! *big, happy, dopey grin*

P/S: Nicky Nick, forget you. JD is officially my one true OTL.

Dancedancedancedancedancedance.

That’s been my world for at least the past few weeks. I’ve arranged my life around dance practices, and did pretty much nothing else but eat, sleep, dance, work out. Rinse, repeat. And y’know, I was so inside my little bubble and ignored everything else.

This week has been absolutely nuts. Dance every single day. I’m barely home, except to eat and sleep. I had plans with Hani and the girls to club. I had that audition video to shoot, edit and upload. Mike was here for the weekend. And I committed to being at a dance party. I’m so worn out now. Then something happened today, and I ended up having a talk with the parental units when I came home.

Sometimes you don’t realize the shit has hit the fan until someone jolts you. My life is a complete and utter mess. Totally. I know I wrote something a few days ago about being in the denial… but I guess I still haven’t snapped out of it. I know that there are bigger troubles out there than the trivial problems of an almost 23-year-old unemployed college graduate. But I’ve let everything in my life go to shambles. My room is a fuckin’ mess. I still don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with my life. My grandma has been staying with us, and I’ve hardly said more than 10 sentences to her. Hell, I’ve barely spoken with any member of my family aside from telling them that I was leaving to go out.

I feel terrible. Like crap. Like a selfish brat. My mom said that I’m still living my dreamworld, and that I should wake up.  She would like for me to pay as much attention I do to dance and my social life to family and home, or at least make the effort.  My dad thinks that  I should show more respect and not stay out so much and so late, so often. And I couldn’t even say something to defend myself cos there’s no defense.

I just feel so emotionally and physically tired.

But, no rest for the weary. Dance practices lined up everyday until Wednesday, at least. INXS concert on Thursday. (OMG!!! JD!!!!!) Clean my room. Really start applying for things I might be interested in doing. Get some me-time in there somewhere. I just need to get my life together.

I ignore the aimlessness of my life for the most part, because I hate it. It feels like I’m doing nothing right. But what I hate more than aimlessness is self-pity.

So, I’m giving myself tonight to break down, and then I’m gonna suck it up and deal with it.

Sigh.

I think I’m becoming one of those sickening people who enjoy going to the gym. It’s so strange, but I like it. There’s something about pushing your body to the limit which feels good. Okay, fine, it feels like hell when you’re doing the nth repetition of squats/lunges/whatever and your muscles are crying out for mercy. Hahaha. But at the end of the day, there’s something satisfying about it. So, it’s all good, I suppose. And maybe if I keep this up, I’ll look and feel damn effing good by September. LOL.

Yes, I know that I’m skinny and I have no extra weight to lose. My aim at the gym is to build stamina and strength, and just to become more fit. And since I’ve started exercising, I’ve been eating a lot more, so it’s not like I’ll lose weight. I better not lose weight! (That would freak me out.)

Speaking of eating a lot, in particular I’ve been eating at Subway a lot (”"). No, really. They opened an outlet in school (and yes, I’m bitter that this happened after I graduated!) and almost every time I’m in school for dance, I end up eating there. Heck, even the people working there recognize me! Heh. But better Subway than McD’s, so it’s not too bad.

I’ve still been seeing that cute MTV VJ at the gym, and I still haven’t gotten the nerve to smile at him! Ahahahah. Dude, it’s harder than you think. Really. Aaaaargh. I think he’s really really cute, and I don’t know what to do about it! LOL. (Any words of wisdom? Ahahahaha.)

So, the videos from last Wednesday’s dance rehearsal were posted, and I watched the ones I’m in. And… ARGH. ARGH ARGH AAAAAARGH. I’m back to that I-haaaate-looking-at-myself-dance phase. Horrible! You think you’re doing okay, and then suddenly you get a rude awakening. There’s a lot to work on; I think I can be a lot better. I’m okay now, but I can be better. And hopefully something will be achieved in this month before the shows. In a way, I’m glad for the videos because I now know what needs work, and can try to resolve the problems. And, with some hard work, it’ll look the way it should by showtime. *crosses fingers*

Also, watching the videos, I look fuckin’ skinny! Ick. I mean, I know I’m skinny but somehow I look damn tiny on video. The camera-puts-10-pounds rule does not seem to work on me. Not good. My arms look like twigs (although I’m quite pleased with my lines, sometimes my arms get all flaily). I look like a bamboo shoot. Aargh. Note to self: find a way to cover my arms when dancing.

ANYWAY.

Exciting news: I got shortlisted for the Amazing Opportunity! I was so psyched when I got the email saying that I’m through to the next round. What I have to do now is make a 1-3 minute audition video. And I’m stumped! I have until Sunday to submit it, and given my crazy schedule of dance and social-stuff, I need to get it done like now. Aaaaah! Stress stress stress. But, I’M EXCITED! I don’t wanna like jinx it or anything, but I hope that this is The Opportunity I’ve been waiting for, the finally-opening door after the crappy end-of-June stuff that happened. *crosses fingers* At this point, I just hope that I get a callback after the video’s done and submitted and get a chance to interview with them.  One step at a time, baby.

P/S: Happy birthday to my crazy Leo friend, Hani! Thanks for being a great friend and I hope this next year brings nothing but good things for you. Love ya, girl!

I’m looking for a pair of shoes/boots/sneakers like these. Black, and preferably flat. I’m thinking of wearing it for dance and also just for fun cos I think it looks cute. Hahah. Anyway, if anyone has seen anything like this or knows where I might find some without needing to bankrupt myself, let me know! (I saw these at Yahoo auctions and they were going for like $90. Yikes.)

That aside, I am now obsessed with “Sexy Love” (though the “erupt like a volcano” lyrics make me giggle), and even more obsessed with dancer!Ivan. Hani, step off! He was my fantasy dancer!boyfriend first! Get in line! Ahahahahah.

Dance yesterday was… not very good. Well, it went as well as it could’ve. But we now have 2 weeks to get our shit together and really finish/polish the items. I thought Pat was kinda too nice to us; I expected him to yell at us more. Haha.

And I have two weeks to figure out what to wear for the performance! Gaaaaah. I’m stumped on what to wear for Pat’s item. I need to look skanky (like a hooker… no, really) and be comfortable enough to dance at the same time. Seems contradictory, but it can be achieved! I just need to figure out how. Sighsigh. That’s my biggest costume trouble. For the other two, I’ve pretty much figured it out.

Oh, and we now have a 3rd show! Crazy, or what?!? It’ll be on the Sunday. A whole weekend of dance. Hopefully I won’t be dead by then. The upside is that I can get tickets for my JC friends who wanted to come (’cos Friday and Saturday are pretty much sold out).

Lately, I’ve been getting comments (more like compliments, really) that I look like Jessica Alba. Uhhh? Thanks, but I don’t see it. Of course, I have to then admit to them that I did my hair to look like hers in Honey. But still, don’t really see it. Lovely compliment though, and I’ll take it! Heehee.

Lotsa plans to hang out with friends in the next two weeks or so. But I am so broke, it’s not even funny. I was looking at my bank statement and wondering what the hell I did with my money. Daaaaaaamn. I need some kind of temporary job or something. If anything has a lobang, please help a poor girl out.

Oh oh, and Mike is coming sometime in mid-August. Mike’s my homie from Carolina, and he’s been in BKK for the summer on an internship. Aishah and I suggested that he come here, and he finally gave in. Yay! I haven’t seen him since Carolina, obviously, so it’ll be good to see him again. (Hmm… what’s with this year being the year I see Carolina peeps again? Hehe.)

It was so strange but after my previous post where I was bemoaning the lack of direction in my life, I had a conversation with my parents about it. No pressure or anything, but basically we talked about my options and stuff like that. Seems like my dad actually would like me to go on to Masters because he thinks that I would be able to get better job prospects since degree-holders are common these days. Of course, the thing is (a) I don’t particularly feel like going back to school right now… I’ve lost that love for learning and academia that I used to have and I think I need time for it to come back; (b) if I do go back, it’ll be because I want to (not because it’s the default choice because I have no other options), and I have an idea of what to pursue… I doubt I’d do a Masters in Poli Sci, so it’ll probably be something to do with the Media/Communications, writing or even maybe Business; (c) I want to do my Masters overseas, preferably in the States and I know my parents can’t afford that. I don’t expect them to, and so I’d need to pay my own way (or get enough credit to get the necessary loans). Hence I need to work first, and gain job experience and money!

Anyway. The point is… I need to figure out, and soon hopefully, which direction I want my life to go in. (Aaaaah, stress.)

This has been a post full of random stuff.

And now, I need to eat. My stomach is rumbling.

I’ve been in denial for a while now.

(No no, no need to roll your eyes… it’s not Boy Drama related at all.)

About my life. About the fact that I’ve graduated, and that I need and should move on to whatever’s next. It’s so easy to fall into a rut and let your life stay the same. I got comfortable with being a (slacker) student and wannabe-dancer. Really really comfortable that I would love to stay in this little pigeon-hole. I know who I am when those labels are on me; I know what to expect and I’m familiar with my life going this way.

Change doesn’t usually scare me that much. But this change is huge. The biggest change in a person’s life, I think. And I almost feel like I’m being thrown overboard with no life jacket, no boat to rescue me… and I’m hanging onto the side of the ship for dear, dear life. And at some point, I either decide to let go or pain forces me to. Then, I’m adrift. (Wow, dramatic analogy, much? Ahahaha.)

So, I dunno. I want to be able to let go and move on. But really, I’ve been saying this a lot and it is true, I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do with my life. I don’t. That is terrifying for a girl who had her life (up to this point) all mapped out. Sure, things didn’t always go my way… but I had a plan, I had a goal to work towards. Now, it feels really empty.

Anyway, that whole melodramatic spiel amounts to this: I need to find clarity about myself and my life. And, soon. I’ve managed to distract myself very very well with dance and working out and hanging out with my girls… but I really need to sit down, think and figure out some kind of plan for my life. I hate feeling aimless. I love my parents for being v. cool about me still being unemployed; they haven’t been pushy or pressured me at all, which I really appreciate. And at the same time, it piles on the guilt that I’m not yet doing anything with my life.

So, yeah. I need to take a moment to breathe, and think, and contemplate my life and what I want for myself. And then, to get off my lazy ass and do something about it. I’ve been a bit better about it these past few days; I applied for a few jobs online and signed up for one amazing opportunity. If I get shortlisted for the Amazing Opportunity, I’ll be so psyched. Heck, if I get shortlisted for any of the jobs I applied to, I’ll be happy enough. Heh.

Right.

Moving on.

I’ve been a gym bunny for the past 3 weeks. I kinda scare myself with my enthusiasm. I mean, seriously, waking up early to catch an exercise class? So not me. But I did it. Ahahaha. What can I say… it’s a lot of fun, actually. And I’m becoming one of those sickening people who actually like to exercise. Oh, the horror! LOL.

Dance is taking up a lot of my days, as usual. The stress is piling up! Wednesday is gonna be a killlleeeeeeer day, for sure. But I still enjoy it a lot, so it’s okay. :) And I’m getting excited about the show!

Some things that happened in the past week or so:

- USP graduation dinner: Turned out to be a lot more fun than I expected, largely due to the fact that my friends are crazy. Ahahahah. It was us Malay peeps + Peiz at the table together and there was lots of snark, laughter and sarcasm throughout the night. Also a highlight was our uber-competitiveness in the table game (we were robbed, I tell ya… we should’ve won!) and the speed at which we finished our food. Heh. Good times.

- Got coerced by Mark into going for late supper with Jingwen. Heh. I only gave in cos he agreed to pick me up and drive us home afterwards. Yay for friends with cars! So we had supper at the East Coast hawker centre. Talked crap, was amused by the stallholders, and ate a lot. It was nice to hang out with them since I hadn’t seen them in so long. (By the way, that lucky boy is going to Spain on exchange! Aaaah!)

- Hung out with Andrew again before he left.

- Saw Colby at the gym. Again. Daaaamn, he’s cute!

- Went for the Cleo makeover thingy on Saturday with Val. Liked the clothes and accessories. Make-up was so-so (Eh, I think I look better when I do it myself), and hair was as usual since the lady can’t do much to my hair anyhow. My photo turned out all right, but their printer died so I didn’t get it that day. Boooo! Suckiness. Got a lovely lip gloss with the Anna Sui voucher. Yay! Thanks Val for asking me along! Hehehe.

- Girls’ day out with Jen and Val today! Watched The Lake House which was loooovely. And I was like freakin’ crying at the end! Gaaaaaah. Sighsigh. (I feel like writing a review of it… but we’ll see if I get lazy or not.) Then we had sushi buffet and stuffed ourselves silly. Yummy! Jen conceded defeat first. LOL. We went neoprint-crazy and took like 3 sets. But they’re so nice, so it’s okay. Hahahaha. (Yes, sushi and neoprints… reminded me of Tokyo, for sure.)

Here’s most of them:

I hung out with Hani in the evening and helped her search for a top to wear for her birthday celebration. All I can say is: SCANDALOUS! Heh. She threatened me with death if I don’t make it that night. LOL.

Hmmm. Okay, I need to sleep. Another busy day tomorrow.