and i u n f o l d

Not so blue today. (Thanks for the replies to the previous post, my crazy friends. Y’alls made me laugh.)

Monday night, after I posted, I took a long, nice, hot shower to relax and settled in front of Logan!puter to watch Music & Lyrics. The movie was a completely great de-stressing device; the opening credits itself made me giggle like a lunatic. The movie was light and fluffy and feel-good. Loved the two leads (Hug.h Grant can do no wrong, really… so charming! And Drew is just so likeable), loved the soundtrack, love the goo-ey feeling it left in my tummy.

I spent my off-day sleeping in and trying to get my energy level up again. Then I went out with my mom and my aunt… and ended up buying shoes. Gaaaah. It was only $29.90 and so pretty, even though it is like 4″ high. It sounds unbelieveable but they’re quite comfortable. Anyway, it was a steal and my mom urged me to get it. So I did… and now I wonder where and when I’ll wear them. Haaaaa. I can just see myself tottering around in 4″ heels to work in Tamp.ines. Heh!

Speaking of shopping, I did buy stuff on Sunday when I was at Vivo with Cals and Hani. Bought a vest (pretty! I was so pleased!), tanktops and sunglasses. Saw this really pretty black dress at F21… but at $78, it was too pricey for me (since I doubt I’d have much opportunity to wear it). We had an early dinner at this Thai restaurant with a view of Sentosa, and I mentioned how I could imagine me and TbB on a date there. AHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Delusional much? :P

(Okay, you know that was just a lame attempt to bring up the subject of him. LOL!) TbB’s latest blog entry at his site is really cute. Because I am pathetic, reading it made me smile. He’s just so adorable. Apparently he was in Tokyo recently, which amuses me because y’know Tokyo. Hahaha, it’s like Tokyo is mine or something. (A few days ago, John messaged me on Fa.cebook, asking me if my address is still the same. I don’t know why; I haven’t gotten a reply from him yet. *shrug*) Also, TbB mentions Supe.rnatural and how he is like Dean. WHICH IS SO A SHOUTOUT TO MEEEEEEEEEE. Yesyesyesyesssssssssssss. LOL. He so remembers the totally random question I asked him. Heh heh.

Oh god, I adore him too much.

I’ve been listening to M5 this past 2 days. I saw a short interview they did on E! and hot daaaaamn, Adam is TEH SEXY. Geeez, that boy oozes charisma and sex appeal. That reminded me of how much I love their music and so I started listening to them again, which I hadn’t in a while. SAJ is one of the few albums that I can listen to alllllll the way through; I love every single song on that album. The lyrics are amazing and the beats just make me wanna rock out. And I remembered how awesome their concert was, although really I was in such a haze of fangirl-happiness that I have few concrete memories of that night. ‘Cept that it was really really good, of course. Their new (long-awaited!) album is out next month and that’s something to look forward to.

Also, I’d like to take this opportunity to blame Val for making me join online sprees. DAMNIT! :P

Today was an absolutely terrible day. I don’t know what brought it on but I felt like total crap the entire time I was at work. I really didn’t want to be there. At all. Monday blues does not even begin to describe it. Luckily, I’m off tomorrow and will get a chance to recharge my batteries.

Then I came home to catch the later half of TAR:AS, only to see Ozzie & Danny come in last place. If they had been been freakin’ eliminated, I would’ve cried bloody murder and thrown things around. Thank goodness for non-elim; buck up boys, I’m rooting for you to win the million!

The only good part of today was meeting Meichan. We had a sushi dinner and caught up on stuff. Girl, you’ll be just fine, I know. Hang in there!

Sighsighsigh.

I’m gonna go lay in bed and pray that tomorrow will be a much much better day. After today, I can’t imagine it being any worse.

A lazy Saturday. Mmmm.

Because of work, I haven’t been able to go for dance for oh about 3 weeks now. Withdrawal yo! Luckily, I worked morning yesterday and I took the chance to go for dance afterwards.

Twas lyrical hip-hop again! This time, it was Say Good.bye (I’ve always loved that song). In the beginning it was all WTF?!? cos Pat taught the steps from the previous session because he wanted to continue with it. So in like 10 minutes, we had to learn 4 eights. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I was so lost. I couldn’t even get the steps, let alone dance it. Learning it (which was already a challenge in itself) was way way different from dancing it because (a) it was faster than you initially expect; (b) you need to listen to the music and dance to it to get it to look right; and (c) you need to know when to hit and when to milk. Stress level was super duper high. And then Pat demo-ed it, and it looked freakin’ good and I was just like fuck I can’t get it!

He added on 2 eights to the initial 4 and that was it for the session. But damn, it was hard. In the beginning, when I wasn’t sure of the steps, I got thrown off by the others. Even when I got the steps, I found that if my attention wasn’t completely on what I was dancing, I would get thrown off by what other people were doing (ie wrong steps, too fast or whatever). So I thought, fuck it. Might as well concentrate on what I was doing, even if I wasn’t always right rather than blindly following what others were doing.

By the end of the night, I got the choreography down and execution of it was ermmmm… okay. I found it easier to dance to the music/lyrics than to actually count it because the music/lyrics tells you when to milk and when to hit. And I’m familiar with the song which made that a trifle easier. Tried to get into that feeling-feeling lyrical groove. I tried hard and I think I’ve marginally gotten more used to the lyrical style. Well, compared to the Ice.box session at least. LOL! I really loved loved loved the choreography. Hopefully Pat continues with this style!

There was a freestyle session after class. I sat and watched, because I haven’t (yet) had the courage to join in. Hmmm. Sometime soon, hopefully. I think it’s the fear of watching the video and cringing at myself that’s holding me back. Haaaa. Sad but true. It’s one thing to dance like no one is watching; it’s another thing to have it captured on video and floating around the Net. AHAHAHAHAHHA. :P

So, the fam is back early from their holiday. While they were gone, the silence and emptiness were a bit disconcerting at times. Naturally, now that they’re back, I’m also back to craving solitude and hermit-ness. LOL.

It was a damn good thing that I took the opportunity to go out clubbing last night. It was originally just me and Hani… but somehow Hani’s MTIA got into the mix so I ended up trying not to feel all third-wheely. Heh. We went to O.Ba.r. Free entry and free flow; it’s good to be a lady! I have a terrible tolerance for alcohol, which wasn’t helped by the tequila shot that Hani got for us. Haaaaa. After that and 2 more drinks, I was highhhhhhh as a kite. And I knew I had to dance it off. (Sidenote: on the way to the bar, we spotted Colb.y. Uh huh. But I think he left early-ish cos we didn’t see him again after that.)

Okay, so under normal and sober circumstances, I am already shiok sendiri whenever we’re dancing in clubs. (Recall Cal’s comment that we dance like no one is watching and heck care if everyone else is watching!) I mean, I’m there to dance my ass off yo. The free drinks are a bonus but hardly necessary for a good time. Yesterday, I was dressed to dance; I felt like I was gonna hit the stage for a perf or something. Hahahha. I wore shorts (with belt and chain), red tank and cropped jacket with my Adi.das sneakers. You know that when I wear sneakers, I’m not kidding about dancing. LOL.

So, anyway, after 3 drinks in me, I was loose and ready to go. Luckily, the music last night was quite good so that got me in the mood. Now, picture this: Hani and I like to dance. MTIA?….. erm, not so much. So we were standing at the area near the Ladies’ Bar where the couches are on this slightly elevated wooden platform. And us two crazy girls were dancing, as though there was no one else and we were dancing in our rooms or something. Okay, fine, mostly that was me. But dude, in my defence, the music was good, I was ready to have fun and I really didn’t give a damn. I never give a damn cos fuck I AM THERE TO DANCE. You people who are there to be sleazy, pick up other people or whatever shit can just move off the dancefloor yo.

I was dancing like there was no tomorrow. Hani was a lil amused, but she got into it too. Heh. And MTIA? Was amused, traumatised or both. Probably both. It was hilarious cos we would kacau (disturb) him and try to get him to dance at least a little, but he wouldn’t budge. LOL. So we had to go into the side-to-side move he would do sometimes. Heh. The funniest shit was during My Love. AHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Good times. It was also funny cos I noticed that one time that we were dancing near him, trying to get him dance, there was this guy standing near us who gave him a “WTF dude? Why are you not responding to the girls dancing on you?!?!”-kind of expression. Nope nope… instead he got his thrills from watching this group of minahs who were “dancing”. Ehhhhh. Boys. Mats.

The night felt like it ended early; I could’ve danced some more. Heh. MTIA was driving, so we headed for some supper. More laughing over I-dunno-what cos I was too tired to remember. Hahahaha. The night ended with Hani and me falling asleep in my room, listening to “Turn The Page”, while asking, “Kau rasa dia suka aku tak?”. AHAHAHAAHAHAHA.

Good times, good times. Thank goodness I could sleep in a little since I was working afternoon shift. :P

Aku masih suka TbB la. *facepalm*

Y’all know how I was looking forward to Sunday, right? Haaaaaaaaa.

Words to describe Sunday: traumatizingly funny.

Trauma #1: Hani and I had to walk past a shop selling birds to get to the CC. Mind you, there were a lot of birds. Chirping, making noises and being bird-like. It was freaky walking past that corridor. I felt that something might attack me at any time. (Seriously, that neighbourhood is like Pets Central; every other store was a pet store.)

Trauma #2: The girl who hosted the event (she’s a DJ with one of the M.alay stations, hereafter referred to as HostGirl) turns out to be… from T.KGS. Yup. Hani recognized her, cos she was Cal’s friend. I didn’t know since she’s one year my senior. So Hani was like “OMG, I hope she doesn’t see me”. But of course, she did… because Hani (loudly) blurted the answer to a lame joke she asked TbB. Haaaaa.

Trauma #3: The event was conducted in MA.LAY. Yes. I was flabbergasted. I did not expect that. I was like, OMG FUCKKKKK and wanted to kill myself. Needless to say, Hani had the same reaction.

Trauma #4: I could’ve dealt with it being in Malay… what I really could not deal with was it segueing into Ma.lay slang in the vein of mats and minahs. Oh yeah. That’s when we really wanted to kill ourselves. Like OMGWTF?!?!?! At one point, HostGirl and TbB went into a spiel where they referred to each other as “mama” and “papa” as mats and minahs are wont to do. For example: “Papa jahat ah. Mama bingit siak!” (said in an uber Ma.lay way). (Loose) Translation: “Baby, you’re so bad la. I’m so frustrated with you!”. Believe me, it’s much much much MUCH more cringe-worthy when said in Ma.lay.

Trauma #5: TbB was asked to dance to a Malay song. Okay fine. But then, he went into that 1-2 step move that mats do when “dancing” to reggaeton. And then he did a dance move that he said Sea.n Paul always does. I don’t even know how to describe it. I was just like, OHGODKILLMENOW. He dances like a mat. OHGODNOOOOOOOOOO. Thanks TbB, for killing every fantasy I’ve had about dancing with you in a club.

Trauma #6: I bet there’s more, but I’ve blocked most of the trauma from my mind so ehhhhh. Trying not to remember.

Not that it wasn’t a good event, because from a purely fan point-of-view, it was really nice and personal. And not that I completely hated it, because it did have some good points.

Good thing #1: TbB looked bloody effin’ hot. He walked in wearing jeans and a red sweater (over a white t-shirt) with his sleeves, looking buff and tall and hot and I was just like, GUHHHHHHHHH. Even while I was traumatised, it was impossible not to appreciate the Pretty.

Good thing #2: He is really funny. Really. Even though the jokes and all were mostly in Malay, I still laughed my guts out (even though the laughing had a tinge of OMGWTF?!?). Plus, he is damn adorable when he laughs.

Good thing #3: I love his voice. He sang short snippets of 3 songs and sounded gorgeous on every one of them. He sings, I swoon. Le sighhhhh.

Good thing #4: They made him do push-ups. LOL, poor boy. However, I not-shamefully admit that that was hot. He did a couple of push-ups, where y’know they push themselves high enough to clap in between. Hotness yo. Plus, I freely confess to ogling his biceps/shoulders through his sweater. Fuck la, you could see the muscles working beneath the fabric. I am a perv, yes. Hahahha.

Good thing #5: HostGirl and TbB had really good rapport which made the interview flow very well and gave the event a more intimate, laid-back fee. She had a very cheeky sense of humor and good-naturedly poked fun at the fans. Didn’t appreciate the Malay-ness of it all, but it was def entertaining.

Good thing #6: The humming game with the audience, which was fuckin’ hilarious. The audience were to hum the song that HostGirl held up and TbB had to guess. So freakin’ funny. I was cracking up during the whole thing. And TbB was really quite cute during it. He was adorable during all the “games”; like the truth and dare and the lame jokes section. Haha.

Good thing #7: He revealed stuff that I hadn’t known about him before. Like his childhood nickname (and how he was chubby, lol!), his dating history (1 “official” girlfriend, 5-6 unofficial ones), how he loves kids (awwwww) and how many children he’d like to have (3, and he’d like his first to be a daughter ‘cos he wants her to be a daddy’s girl…. awwwwww), how he’d do romantic stuff (flowers, chocolate, write songs for her (le sigh!) spontaneous stuff like an unplanned trip to Paris (!!!!)) and other stuff. Oh, and how technically he’s Indian cos his dad is Indian (and so, hypothetically, if we got married and had children, they would be Indian. Haa, that amuses me!).

Hani and I were just weirded out during the whole thing. The total and utterness Ma.lay-ness of it all stunned me. It was funny and TbB was really quite adorably loveable throughout it, but I (well, we) walked out feeling traumatised. Usually I’m all giddy and smiley and googly-eyed after seeing him, but yesterday I was like… I felt strange. Deflated? Stunned? I dunno, but it felt like maybe I finally smelt the decaf.

Because the TbB I saw yesterday was different from my perception of him. I mean, the TbB I envision is still there but he was overwhelmed by the uber M.alay mat version of him, which honestly freaked me out. Because, yes, I have a total aversion for that species of male. I don’t think of him, his personality being that way. So, to see him act that way was very very strange for me. And reminded me that he is a Mal.ay guy. That I have this super big somewhat irrational crush on a M.alay guy. Granted, he’s a well-dressed, well-spoken, talented, driven and successful Ma.lay guy… but, still. I think my mind just plain ol’ balked at the display of Ma.la.yness.

At any rate, after yesterday, some kind of light bulb came on in my head… and I’ve realized that that crazy giddy feeling I’ve had for him has somewhat abated. Don’t get me wrong; I still have a crush on him, but I suppose that I’ve woken up to the insanity of what I was hoping would happen. Not that it’s never gonna happen (because, honestly, I would be beyond thrilled if it did, and it still might), but it definitely won’t happen at the fan events at which I’ve seen him. Said it before and I’ll say it again: we have to meet in a social situation… that’s the way it has to unfold.

I guess now is a good time for me to let it go. Not completely, mind you, but to really just let it be and let what may happen happen, instead of me pushing for it so much. (I still think he’s adorable and I’m still effin’ attracted to him… but now there’s that element of uncertainty over who he really is, which is both interesting and appealing to me but also a bit strange because my perception of him could be totally offbase.) Turning the page now and not harping on what I hope will happen. Maybe when I don’t force it and I don’t expect it, then Fate will decide to be nice and work things out.

I’m gonna go get my tub of B&J now.

Alone at home on a Saturday night, with a pint of B&J and a romance novel, listening to JC Chas.ez’s “You Ruined Me” on repeat. (Incidentally, my new favourite song of the moment. Love it, and the song reminds me of how much I love JC’s voice. He can sing anything. ANYTHING!)

The fam is off to M’sia for the next week on holiday, leaving me all alone. Funny that I was sorta looking forward to it, but now that the house is empty and silent, it feels a bit strange. Hmmm. I feel like I should be out and taking advantage of the fact that I can do whatever I want while everyone’s gone, but obviously I’m doing nothing exciting. Haaaaaa. Pathetic.

Had the posse come over last night to hang out. Ate, watched 300 (well, Hani watched, the rest of us made snarky comments cos we had already seen it. Haha!), talked about dunno-what and Hani went off gallivanting with MTIA while we gave her helluva lot of grief about it. Hos over bros, girl! LOL. Since I had to work today, that put a damper on things since I had to get a decent amount of sleep else I would’ve died.

It’s finally the 15th tomorrow and, of course, I am looking forward to seeing TbB. I got a reminder call about it this afternoon, not that I needed the reminding. Haha. But I do realize that there are gonna be 99 other people there and chances are I won’t get a chance to talk to him. Unless I somehow make it happen, aka accost him after the event is over. LOL. We’ll see how it goes. Maybe something surprisingly unexpectedly good will happen. [/delusional]

If not, I’ll get another pint of B&J and listen to “You Ruined Me” some more.

I hope no one had a panic attack (like I did) when my blog was down in the last 2 days or so. When I couldn’t access the site, I suspected that the domain had expired. And so it had. But I was automatically rebilled for the next year (which gave me a shock when I saw how low my bank balance once after I withdrew some money) and all I had to do to get things running again was to re-register the domain name again for another year. So it’s all good and paper-o is here to stay for another year. Heh.

Anyway, before all the domain “drama” happened, I had wanted to blog about the super-long weekend. Well, my especially long weekend since Monday was my off-day too. Add to that the fact that the weekend started early as well for me since I was out gallivanting on Thursday night after work. :D

What could’ve potentially been a terrible Thursday night actually turned out to be a lot of fun. The posse (plus, one of Cal’s friends) met up to go clubbing. Hani had suggested O.B.ar because of their $10 free flow on Thursday; but since it was the eve of a public holiday, they jacked up the price. Being the cheapos that we are, we weren’t about to pay 20 bucks cover for sucky music (because, yes, O.Ba.r plays bad music). So, we walked to Clar.ke Qua.y looking for an (cheaper) alternative and quite serendipitiously ended up at Atti.ca.

The previous time I was there (which was my first time too), I wasn’t a big fan of the music but that night it was hop-hop & R&B alllllll night long and it was TEH AWESOME. Hani, Sarah and I staked out our piece of the dancefloor and pretty much danced allllll night long. Seriously, the music was great, really really great. We about squealed and died when the DJ played Too Close and That’s The Way Love Goes consecutively! If you don’t know, Too Close is like TEH SONG we wanna dance to with the boy we like. So, of course, we were having too much fun when it came on and being all perasan. Hahaha. Yes, we do exist in our own little dream bubble world when we dance. LOL.

As usual, we were snarking on people. There was a guy who had some moves; more than 2 in fact! Heh. There were the couples who couldn’t quite dance but tried very hard. There was a kinda cute Mal.ay guy who kinda had moves. There were these 2 couples who really got into it; they looked like they were having fun and I give them props for actually really dancing but they got a bit too enthusiastic at times. And then, there was us… off in our own lil world. :P I realize that I like wearing sneakers best when I’m out clubbing so that I can dance without having to kill my feet or worry if I would break a heel. Heh.

We got access to the member’s area so out of curiosity, we went up to check it out. The stairway was so plush; the walls were lined with furry fabric! The VIP area was much less crowded but they were playing techno so we hauled ass outta there and back to the main dance floor.

As we were leaving to go find Cal and her friend who had skipped out on us and gone to T.CC, a dude who looked like a tall, cute, young version of Ell.iott Yam.in spoke to me. Heh. Didn’t expect it and really the only thing that went thru my mind was his resemblance to E. LOL.

After laughing up a storm at T.CC while rehydrating, we went back to Atti.ca for a last bout of dancing. We dragged Cal to the dance floor while us three went crazy again. Ahahahaha. Cal commented that when we dance, we don’t give a shit about other people and that we don’t dance to get the attention of guys. Because, YES. So true. So so true. That’s when you have the most fun anyways.

Friday, I went for a casting and then met up with Cal and Hani to spend some money, aka retail therapy. And boy oh boy, was it some extensive therapy. Poof went about $200! But I really like everything I got. Among the loot was shorts (my first, after resisting the trend for so long), a cute green cropped cardi, a gorgeous black skirt for work that really brings out whatever assets I have (i.e. it makes my ass look fabulous!) and Al.do shoes that were half-off. I was a very happy bunny. I also had St.arbucks coffee for the first time in a long time. Yummmmy.

On Saturday, I met up with the Butterfly Babes. I was in a skanky mood and was wearing my shorts with the 3.5″ Al.do heels. Yesssireeee. I thought WTF? and hecked care what anyone would think. Hey man, I’m not gonna have these legs forever or be this skinny forever and the older I get the less age-appropriate it will be to wear short shorts/skirts, so really I might as well milk it while I can. I though I looked good, haha.

Got my eyebrows threaded and introduced Val to it. Heehee. Then we had a good lunch at Fish&Co, despite the bad service. Jen, as usual, had to leave early so us two had dessert before going to watch the Dan.cewo.rks finals at UC.C. Val had baited me into going when she told me that TbB was a guest performer; that sealed the deal since I have no will power when it comes to him. Hahaha.

The competition turned out to be quite good with maybe 2 teams really impressing us. It made me envious that these young people have the opportunity to be exposed to hip-hop dance so much earlier than I did. So then TbB came on and performed 2 songs. He looked hot (jeans, wifebeater and white blazer… mmmmm!) and because I am sprung, just seeing him made me smile. He danced a lil bit, which was mighty amusing to us. I thought that performance looked under-rehearsed because the one he did on The Dan.ceFloo.r was so much better. But his second song was prettily sung and I was off in La-la land by then. Hehehehe. I was all like, God he’s cute! Was hoping to maybe see him but that didn’t happen. I think he might’ve left immediately after he was done with his perf. Bummmmmer.

When I got home, I did something really lame that I’m almost ashamed to admit. But I’ve confessed to Hani and Cal and they didn’t think it was that lame. Hahahha. TbB was gonna be “chatting” at the forum at his site that night. I mentioned it to Firah… and we both went there to check it out. And ended up being there for the whole thing. Oyyyy. *facepalm*

Firstly, we two were probably the most sane ones there. His fans didn’t ask any particularly interesting questions, which made it booooring. I mean, at one point, I would’ve taken the classic “Boxers or briefs” question over some of the ones that were being posed! TbB was also surprisingly very PR with his answers and it took him a while to answer the questions he did. So, the session just wasn’t as much fun as I thought it could be. Firah and I had much much more often snarking. Hahahahah. The cool thing, though, is that he answered my question about which Winch.ester brother he is more like (Supernatural reference, for people who don’t know what I’m talking about). If only he had answered the one about his fave song on FS/LS! Oh wells.

So, yes, THAT WAS [Ama.nda Byn.es] LAAAAAAAAAAAME. [/Ama.nda Byne.s] I was tempted to make a pass at him (something along the lines of “if I could cook asam pedas for you, would you go out with me?”) but good sense prevailed. AHAHAHAHAHA. (And no, I can’t cook asam pedas. I could shock the hell out of my grandma by asking her to teach me, though. LOL.)

The remaining two days (Sunday and Monday) was mostly spent in hibernation, at home. Heehee.

And now it’s mid-week. Sunday draws nearer (YAAAAAAAAAY!) and the fam is off to M’sia on a week-long holiday this weekend so I’ll be by myself. Which translates to: I can do whatever I want! Haaaaaaa. When the cat leaves, the mouse comes out to play. Hee. :D

(I actually wrote this some time ago. But I was talking to Hani tonight and got to thinking… and I remembered this.)

Sometimes, I just wanna smack myself real hard.

I’ve realized that after every TbB thingy, I seem to go through a feeling a bit like buyer’s remorse. A feeling of doubt, and why-did-I-do-that? and a niggling feeling that it might’ve been really stupid. The adrenaline has worn off, the afterglow has faded, reason returned and self-doubt sets in.

See, denial and delusion are close friends of mine. I know them well, and usually I have them in hand. But a time will come when good sense has fled and stupidity takes over and I lose grip on the reins. I know how that feels because I pretty much let it happen with John.

I might be coming to that point again. I don’t want to be there again, because this time it would be way worse. With John at least, I had a rough idea of where I stood with him. My position might not have been clear but the ground underneath my feet was solid. Of course, in the end, the ground gave way and it all fell apart but I knew where I stood with him. I always felt that bit of interest from him, despite the circumstances. I knew there was something there, even if I wasn’t sure if anything would come out of it.

With this currently very stupid and extremely pointless crush, it’s all a big hazy blur. Not only am I’m jostling for position, it’s quicksand under my feet. Somehow I think that if I’m smart enough and quick enough, I might find a small patch of concrete ground or a hand that will reach out to help me. All I’ve gotten so far are illusions; illusions based on desire tinged with a sliver of hope that something will happen.

What does it mean? Every word. Every look. Every little minute detail. Examined thoroughly, all possible interpretations squeezed out. The real meaning is lost in the shuffle, because you’re so consumed with what it could have meant. It doesn’t matter what it really meant, because you’ll believe what you want to. Nothing’s clear-cut; it’s all subtext and that little glance or that smile or that look in his eyes when your gazes meet. Easily (too easily), subtext becomes text and every thing is a sign. And the sign is always good. Of course.

Y’know, it’s when you ask yourself why and you can’t find a answer that you’re screwed. Because if you have a concrete reason for liking him, for being crazy over him, if you can articulate it, then chances are you’ll be able to find those same qualities in someone else. But when you’re asked, “Why do you like him so much?”, and then you hem and haw and try to put into words but can’t find any… you’re a freakin’ goner. Because you can’t explain it, you can’t reason it out, you don’t know exactly why BUT YOU DO. Screwed man, you’re screwed. Or at least that’s what I’ve realized from my meagre experience with boys.

Baby steps to a major breakthrough, yes. But in this situation, these damn baby steps are not helping. It brings hope and ultimately hope is foolish. Foolish, foolish hope.

With this current crush, I find myself vacillating between the two extremes of “IT WILL HAPPEN!” and “WAKE UP & SMELL THE DECAF, SISTA!”. Because, really, those are the only possible outcomes to this.

This could be nothing. I am well aware of that. But the thought that it could potentially be something keeps me hanging on. A gut feeling. An instinct. A persistent tiny voice in my head. A feeling in my heart. Oh, foolish, foolish hope.

I suspect I’d need a really hard smack to get myself out of this… and even that might not work.

I feel like I have nothing insightful, funny or interesting to say, which is why I haven’t been on here in a bit. It’s funny (and a little sad, really) that angst and drama and frustration and all that “good” stuff makes for the best writing. There’s just no kick to writing when things are normal. Or when things are happy. I find that when I’m feeling really great and really happy, my writing gets really bland and uninspiring and well, trite.

Such masochism.

Things are currently normal and routine and so I have nothing exciting to report. No lavish spending (’cept for an awesome very VM-type jacket from Es.pirit that I just couldn’t resist cos it was discounted). No boy-drama (I’m waiting for the 15th, which is my next “date” with TbB…. yes, me and 99 other people. So romantic. Haha!). No melodramatic inner-struggle to document and rhapsodize about (the most struggle I have these days is stretching my meagre work wardrobe).

One thing I am proud of is how I’ve been managing my money. Okay, yes, it’s only been a little over a week since payday but it’s important to note that I haven’t squandered all my money! Accomplishment, my friends, accomplishments. It’s nice to see my bank balance looking so healthy. I’ve taken care of all my obligations. I’ve put aside some savings. And I bought an investment plan! I’m quite excited, really, because I’m a dork like that. Heh. I bought a plan with my co. (naturally, especially since I have a staff discount and there’s a promotion going on) and I am so looking forward to watching it grow over the years. Grow, money, grow! It feels good to make responsible decisions about my money and about my future.

I did get my hair done on Friday. To which I say: YAY! Not a huge difference, just curly hair, again. Heh. I like it. But, really, in a few months, I’m gonna go back to straight hair.

My next big purchase that I’m planning is… AL.DO shoes! I almost succumbed cos I was at the store with my mom and there was 10% off for Cit.ibank cards and my mom has them. I don’t think my will power towards them pretty shoes is very strong at all… so I fully intend to go and buy one of these days. Not only because I need shoes, but because I need quality shoes. Even my mom agreed that I need to invest in a good pair of heels. So I shall heed momma’s advice. Hee!

I’ve completely embraced heels. Flat shoes? What are those?!? Haha. I’m unabashedly at the “Screw everyone, I will wear heels and be tall if I damn well want to!” phase. I have to be, since I’m gonna buy 3″-3.5″ Al.do shoes! Hehehehe. :P

I also need to buy more work-appropriate clothes. I was at Z.ara the other day, and ohholycrap the clothes are so expensive! I don’t know when I’ll get to the point where I can just throw down money like that… all I know is the time is not now. (During the sale, maybe. Definitely not now.) Admittedly, working at Tam.pines does dampen any fashionista tendencies I may have. I do, however, like working on Saturday ‘cos I get to stroll in in jeans, tanktop, hoodie and sneakers. Feels nice. Very slacker, but nice.

As always, looking forward to the weekend. Meeting up with the posse and the Butterfly Babes. Good times, good times. (And next weekend: TbB! Woohooooo! I’m so excited. Yes, I am lame. And sprung as hell. Did I mention PATHETIC?)