and i u n f o l d

SOMEONE KEEP ME AWAY FROM ONLINE SPREES.

I think I need to throw away my lil IB-device thingy. It’s too easy for me to come home after the usual so-much-less-than-great day at work, go online, surf some sites and blow some moolah on online sprees. My (evil) rational mind tells me, “It’s sooo cheap; you have to buy itttttt!” and then I reach for my IB-device (I should name it, no?) and next thing I know I’m spent maybe $20+ bucks in one go. I can’t even buy just ONE thing; usually I buy at least two cos my evil mind again rationalizes that since I’m paying for shipping I might as well get more than one. Gah. *facepalm*

To wake me up from my online-spree-induced stupor, let me list out the stuff I’ve bought:
- Alloy: hoodie tunic. (I was sad that the long knitted cardi I ordered was out of stock. DAMNIT. I really wanted that!)
- Wetseal: 4 tops, incl. one really gorge cowl neck sweater.
- Candy: 2 packets of Reese’s Pieces (Yummy!)
- Drugstore: A bunch of ELF brushes, Mayb mascara that’s not avail. here and my fave brand of eyeshadow.
- Wetseal (yes, again): Bought the cowl neck sweater in another color (US$5 yo! It’s a steal!) and a striped long-ish cardi.
- A+F: white shorts. So cute! I hope they fit me well.
- Earphones for JD!pod (apparently authentic ones at much cheaper price. I am stoked!)
- Aeropostale: short-sleeved hoodie and striped henley.
- Bag: Red motorcycle bag. Apparently genuine leather. So pretty.
- HK/Korean spree: 4 dresses!!!! I couldn’t resist cos they only come up to about $17 each! Cheap yo. Who knows when I’ll wear them but they’re pretty and cheap!

Sprees I’m waiting for:
- Long (knitted) cardigan. Also tempted by the long knit vest.
- contact lenses
- cute shorts

OMG. I am obsessed. Please confiscate my IB-device thingy. (I think I’ll name it Sark; evil… and it’s hard to resist the temptation. Haha.) Please ban my access to the LJ spree sites. HEEEELP.

Okay. Here’s the deal: I will not participate in any more sprees (’cept for the 3 items I listed above) until all the stuff I’ve ordered so far arrive at my house. Okay? Okay.

In its 3 seasons, I never quite felt the need to read VM fanfic. I think my stance on that is gonna change.

Yet another series finale for me to sit through. I’m bummed. S1 and S2 of VM were really wonderful; I still believe that S1 VM is textbook perfection. And while I haven’t been as enthused about S3, it’s still a damn good show. I don’t keep up with show news so I was beyond surprised when I heard that it would be cancelled.

Before watching the finale, I was telling Cal that in my head, the series ends with S2; none of the unnecessary Parker and Piz uselessness, none of the shorter-mystery-arcs which I think took away a lot of the appeal of the show, none of the are-they-aren’t-they LoVe storyline which was badly told. I said I would consider the closure of S2 as how the show ended.

I take that back. The S3 finale, which also happened to be the series finale, stands on it own. Quite strongly. I would feel better about it if it were a season finale and we could have a S4 that continues on without the jump to the future. But as a series finale, somehow it works. The open-endedness of it leaves a lot of room for thought and interpretation, which really is the core of the VM fandom anyway. So now at least the fandom can continue on from this point through speculation and fanfic, even if we really don’t get anything else set in the VM-verse.

I was reading the TWoP forums and as usual there are some interesting thought-provoking posts that cemented my feeling about the finale. How the show has come full-circle, how the characters have grown (or not grown or regressed or whatever) and how a complex “ending” such as we were given is true to the nature of VM-verse where nothing is simple or easy and everything is gray and complex and morally ambiguous. We got a finale so in tune with what the show is about. And while S3 pales in comparison to the previous two, these last two episodes really brought the show back to its roots. It felt very old skool VM and it reminded me of how I love this show and its characters.

As for LoVe: after what we got for them in S3, this is the best resolution we can hope for. That last scene spoke volumes to me. You can interpret it any way you want; I see it as yet another beginning for those two. The tide is turning and in my mind they will slowly but surely gravitate towards each other again. I’m sorry, these two are IT for me; I can’t see them with anyone else ever. MFEO, for sure. LoVe forever and ever and ever. Amen. Epic; they are epic.

Hasn’t hit me yet that it’s the end. It didn’t feel like the end; more like one of those choose-your-own-ending books. But y’know, it had a good run even if it isn’t last long enough for almost everyone’s liking. I’ll miss you, VM! Thank for you for two really amazing seasons and a pretty damn good finale. RT, all I have to say is: I worship at the altar of your story-telling genius. KBell, you are an amazing actress. JDohring, please get your hot-ass self on another tv show or something, okay?

I am unabashedly a BlakerGirrrrrrrl. Bshortyyyy was on fiiiiyah on the results show, y’alls!

After the performance show, I was really pissed at how TPTB threw Blakealious under the bus by making him sing that cheestastic and craptastic coronation song. They took away the option on Blake-izing it and so he had to sing it straight. Especially galling is the fact that the song is clearly skewed in favor of the THE CHOSEN ONE. And he had to sing it last, when really, Bad Name should’ve been his last performance based on the awesomeness of it all. But nooooo, TPTB have their script and unsurprisingly they were bent on making sure they had their winner.

So I was pissed, even though AI has always thrown my fave contestants under the bus whenever it suited their purposes. Just as a FUCK YOU to them, I wanted Blake to pull a win. But I also didn’t want him to have to sing that stupid lame song more than once and I wanna hold him to his word about SLTW hopefully being his first single. Hence, dilemma.

But after seeing the TOTALLY AWESOME AND KICK-ASS OFF THE HOCK collabo between him (totally in his Bshorty persona, and looking hot as helllll!) and Doug.E.Fresh, I’m all zen about Blake being runner-up. He never has to sing that stupid coronation song ever again; SLTW may actually be his first single (oh, be still my fangirl heart!); he will def be signed and release an album and that album will be one that will be 100% Bshorty; and that last impression people will have of Blake on AI will be that damn freakin’ crazy and awesome old skool beatboxing perf… instead of a perf of This Is My Ow.

So, all is good in the BlakerWorld. TPTB have their winner, so good luck with that. And Blake will hopefully get to make the album he wants and the album that we want to hear. 100% Bshorty. I can’t wait for that!

In the end, Blake still pwns.

Cried a litre of tears. Maybe more.

During one of our many email conversations at work, one of my classmates/colleagues mentioned watching this Japanese drama and how sad it was and how it made him cry. We ribbed him about it of course, and then I asked him what was the title. He lent me the DVD.

So last night and tonight I finished watching all 11 episodes. It’s called “One.Litre.of.Tears” and boy if you don’t shed a tear at all, you have no heart. Fuck, I was crying every damn episode. I would cry at every little thing. Even the really terribly horrible ungrammatical English subtitles couldn’t stop the flow of tears. (I bet so much was lost in translation! I probably would’ve cried two litres if I can understand Japanese!) The tearduct switch was on all the way through all the episodes. Even when you can sorta like predict what’s gonna happen (like how I totally called her breaking up with the guy she was in love with), you’ll still be sobbing like a baby when it plays out on the screen.

Damn, I’m such a sap.

Because I’m such a sucker, the scenes (esp in the latter half of the show) between her and the male lead either made me feel so gooey instead or made me weep inconsolably. Like the afore-mentioned break-up where she wrote him a “love letter” because by that point she couldn’t speak very clearly or very well anymore. Or when he gave her a dolphin thingy that you can hang on your cellphone and he has a matching one. (Okay it sounds gay when I write it like that, but within the context of the story, it was so sappily heartwarming!) And when he confessed his feelings for her. Gah. *clutches heart* Actually, all their scenes together were really cute. Quite subtle actually, and I loved the development of their friendship and then into something deeper. And her family! Crap. They made me cry all the damn freakin’ time.

At any rate, I had a good cry. My eyes are all puffy and swollen and my nose is stuffed. But somehow I cried all my stress and what-not away.

But I think the fact that it is based on a true story is what truly astounds. I mean, seeing it play out as a drama is sad enough and then to imagine someone actually living through it and being that strong… it puts your own life in perspective. It’s sad that it almost always takes a bad thing happening before you realize how good you have it.

I need to remember that, despite whatever little problems I have, I do have it good.

Dance makes me happy.

I mean, really. I feel so good now. A little tired, but there’s a happy feeling. Okay, the fact that it’s Friday helps (though I am working tomorrow) but mostly it’s dance.

I haven’t been to dance in about two weeks? Something like that; feels like a while ago. I was contemplating about going to lyrical hiphop on Thursday but I felt chickenshit. But y’know what, this is my promise to myself: the next Thursday that I am free to go, I WILL GO DAMNIT. Even if I go by myself, look like a lost sheep and fumble through the class, I WILL GO. (’Course, if anyone wants to join me, hollaaaaa!) So, I decided to go for my usual class tonight.

Pat’s been into this whole sorta lyrical hip-hop-ish vibe (his own brand of it) so I was glad tonight was the same thing. To a Bobby V song, which is quite nice. Like the choreography. I feel like I’m still a bit tense with it and I know I have to relax more but somehow the muscles don’t compute the message. Haha. Whenever we’re doing this style, I somehow look like I’m a bit/beat late but I don’t feel late so I get a bit conflicted about whether I’m doing it right. But whatev. I try to stay in my own little world anyway, haha.

3/5 of Soul was there; incidentally, the 3 who I do know. Twas nice to see them. (Jen, you missed out!) The one who’s one of the Eligible Bachelors? Is seriously cute. Nice smile. Heh. Okay la, that’s nothing one of y’all don’t already know. Haha. J said that they’re rusty and while it’s evident that they are a little bit, they still gotz the style yo. That counts for something. Plus, I LOVE BEING AROUND THOSE BOYS! They make me feel petite and I love it cos that’s a rare rare feeling. Hee.

Also, I would like to announce that there’s a new choreographer to add to my list of faves. She’s Swedish and she does the lyrical, new skool vibe and wow do I ever love her dancing and her choreography! Her musicality is amazing and I love what I’ve seen of her stuff.

An example, her routine to Turn.The.Page (So! Awesome!): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBGZTv-wRDY

Fuck, I want to be able to dance like that. I NEED TO TAKE MORE DANCE CLASSES!

I wanted to talk about dance, but that’s coming next. I just need to gush and squee and get it out of the way. Haha.

So, most of y’alls know that TbB went to Tokyo to cover the Spi.dey premiere. (Lucky lucky!) He finally blogged about it at his official site and it’s quite possibly the best and cutest entry ever. AND THERE ARE PICTUREEEES! I feel so lame for feeling excited about reading it. I could like hear/see him telling the story and it’s such an adorable mental image. (Yes, I am crazy.)

My trip wasn’t half as swanky (Boyfriend stayed at the Ritz, y’alls! Daaaaaamn) but, again I sound lame, it’s just cool to know what he’s talking about, esp. since I was there so recently. Didn’t sound like he went to any of the more historical stuff, which is a bummer for him in my opinion. We have some similar impressions of Tokyo. And, assuming he flew SQ, it sounds like we took similar flights; arrive the in morning and depart in the morning.

And he saw Jen.sen Ack.les there at the premiere! (Yes, yet another Dean shoutout for me. LOL!) Holy crappola… forget everyone else, I would’ve been all up on Jensen. He is so TEH YUMMY. Sorry TbB, but Jensen > TbB. And it’s tough but I think Jensen > JFranco.

I dunno, but the whole entry was just really adorable and made me smile. And made me wish I could share my impressions of Tokyo with him. I don’t even know how to articulate it- this stupid, irrational gooey feeling. I feel real tempted to comment on the entry… haaaaa. (If I did, it’d probably be as long as his own entry, ahahahaha!)

I feel lame. [Amanda B.ynes] LAAAAAAAAAME! [/AB]

But damnit, my adoration for him knows no bounds apparently. WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS! So now, my new inner Mary-Sue monologue will have me and TbB in Tokyo together. AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA. Two-in-one, right? I get to “rewrite” my Tokyo experience and happily daydream. LOL.

OMG, I so did not just say that. *facepalm*

GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ.

Bittersweet feeling in my chest.

Gil.more Girls was probably the first tv show I really really got into. We’re talking knowing episodes, ability to quote some lines, getting into fandom, forums, fanfic, the like. I was really into it until maybe S3/S4, when my love tapered out. Admittedly, I never (NEVER, I tell ya!) got over the bitterness of Tristan’s (oh, how I still adore you!) departure from the show. And Logan, although he was an interesting character in his own, was little better than a Tristan-wannabe in my eyes. (Yes, my Tristan-love was/is totally and completely irrational and unholy. I don’t deny that.)

I haven’t watched GG in a loooong time. The ’shippiness of the show never ever went my way (c’mon, even L/C crashed and burned… which made me upset so I’ll pretend that too never happened) and although I love love love the dialogue and wittiness of the show, the compulsion of watch slowly died away. And although I’m a big fan of some other shows, I guess none of it reached that same level GG did, because I haven’t written fic or been actively involved in fandom since then.

For the record, Rory.Gilmore’s life is probably very close to what I wish mine is; in terms of ambition and career and wardrobe (love her clothes, even though some of it is a lil too girly-girly for me) and possibly maybe her love-life (although, I don’t understand why that had to crash and burn as well, geeeeeez). C’mon, every single guy she meets falls in love with her; she doesn’t even have to try. And they were all hot (with the exception of maybe Marty). She does have that soul-sucking quality of totally hypnotizing the guys in her life. Hahaha. So, okay, I’ll say it: I wish I were her. (Plus, it def wouldn’t hurt to look like Alex.is Ble.del! She is effin’ beautiful.) She has her flaws and I haven’t always liked her as a character but yeah, I wouldn’t mind living her life at all.

ANYWAY.

For nostalgia’s sake, I had to watch the series finale. Even with only having a very very vague idea of what’s been going on, I had to watch for closure.

And what did I do? Half-way through, I was bawling my eyes out. I don’t even know why but I guess the characters felt so familiar to me, like old friends, and the thought that I would never see them again was sad. Esp. remembering the fandom and everything that came with it. It felt like saying goodbye; and it was. The ironing scene? Did me in. Wow, the tears just kept falling. And Rory saying, “You’ve given me all I need.”? Aaaaaah. Buckets of tears. And then the final scene, with the music and then the fade to black? Oh maaaaan.

Thanks for the memories, Gilmore Girls. (And I will always always love S1 and S2. Always. And maybe some of S3. Oh, okay, and maybe some of the cute Rory/L.ogan stuff. Need I mention again how much I love Tristan? Heh.)

This week’s AI rocked my socks.

Not only did Blakealicious sing M5 and Ro.bin Thicke, he sang them damn freakin’ well. Seriously, I don’t like anyone else ‘cept Adam singing T.his Love but Blake made me feel okay about his version. Plus, he wore the blazer+hoodie combo that I love so much during that perf and you know I am helpless against that.

Then we had M5 come on the results show to sing their new single which has slowly grown on me. New album next week, woot woot! And hel-lo, Adam Le.vine is the MOTHERFUCKIN’ HOTTNESSSSSSSS y’alls. He looked a tad skinny in my eyes but boy was always lanky. But the hair! Tis back and better than before. The yummylicious suit! And fuck he’s hot as hell, even if he looked a lil less than thrilled to be there. Le sigh. I think I might’ve died from sexual overload if he had been his usual sexy, magnetic, charismatic self. Tonight, he was only about a 7. Oh yeah, I remember how it felt like when he’s a 10 and you’re standing in 8th row center. Mmmmmm. *goes to Happy Place*

We also had E! Aaaaaah. I f’love his voice. I prefer Wait.For.You when it’s at his normal speed (which is a lil faster than what he sang on the show) but whatev. Elliott can sing anything. And afterwards, he was so adorable with Ryan and he still seems like the same nice guy he was last year on the show. Awwwwww. My mom was like, “Is that Elliott? What happened to him? He’s gorgeous now!” LOL.

And, of course, Bshortyyyyyyy! In the finale! Color me shocked! I really wasn’t sure if he would make it and I didn’t want to hope, cos I’ve been burned by reality tv many, many, many times. BUT OMG!YAAAAAAAAAAY! I’m expecting a Jor.din win cos she is THE CHOSEN ONE, but I’m glad B.lake will be around next week to kick ass and pick awesome songs and give entertaining performances. Can’t wait to see what he does to the coronation song! Heee! (And really, the power of Bla.kerGirls is something to be feared…. they might just pull a win for B.shorty!)

His hometown visit was really cool and they didn’t even show the good stuff on air (besides the clip of him shaking that magic ass during Baby.Got.Back, heh!). Like the perf of his original songs, which were so good. And I’ll hold him to what he said about She.Loves.The.Way hopefully being the first single when he releases an album. Eeeeeeep! I f’love that song yo.

B.laaaaaake for the win, y’all!

ETA: Info from a press conference he did: “When asked about singing a Maroon 5 song, Blake admits that he has known Maroon 5 for about six years, and used to be close friends with the drummer.  He called them a week before he performed their song and asked “for a solid”.  They told Blake he could perform whatever he wanted.”

Blakealicious is friends with M5?! He personally called them up and they cleared like everything for him?!? AWEEEESOME!

Back to the blues.

Okay, here’s the deal with work: I’m back to feeling BLAAAAAAAAH. Well, blah doesn’t even begin to describe it but I’m trying (trying being the key word) to not be all super duper negative. HA!

For the past 2 weeks or so, I got to do motor in.surance, ‘cos we finally went thru the training and have the knowledge to do it. I was nervous at first cos the potential for screwing up is pretty high, but once I got into it I found that I enjoyed it. The complexity of it keeps me on my toes and keeps my mind going. There’s paperwork to do but I don’t mind it. And it’s a lot easier to talk to people about motor insur.ance than about any other type of insurance, probably because it’s compulsory for every vehicle. And it’s also a tad easier to close a sale. I just felt so much more positive about it.

And then, naturally, the rug got pulled under my feet because the management wanted to form a new team under a new team leader and us IEs were the scapegoats. That was bad enough cos it means that I am now stuck in a team with a classmate/colleague that a lot of us aren’t too fond of; but hey I can just learn to block out the annoyance. The worse part is that this new team will only do life.product sales. Which to put it mildly (in my opinion) is a MOTHERFUCKIN’ PAIN IN THE ASS. %*^*^IY)Y(*FHJ(*&(*E%^

I was not a happy camper because I know that life sales and me do not mix. I don’t mesh well with it and it’s just very boring. And it’s hard to sell. And I’m freakin’ bored with the new team. I miss the aunties and uncles from my previous team who used to brighten up the days with funny stories and all that. It’s so silent where I’m sitting now. So now I’m gonna be fuckin’ miserable for at least the next 1-2 months. With my luck, I’ll be stuck for the next 4 months in this team while I’m in the department. To which I say: FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCCCCCK.

Ohmygod, save me. SAVE ME FROM THE DRUDGERY.

I don’t know what else to do but wait it out. I have no choice, really. I have no recourse since I am so new, since I am such a small fish in such a big big ocean. In the meantime, I need to find a way to not feel so down and depressed about what I have to do because I don’t think I can survive otherwise. I don’t want to walk into work everyday and feel like shit. I can’t live like that because I’ll be so depressed about my life. Less than 4 months to a posting out of here; I hope I can last that long.

I was reading Khalil Gib.rans’ The Prophet and the section he wrote about work was both inspiring and depressing. Inspiring because it makes me want to find out what makes me happy to do and do it. Depressing because I know that where I am is not where I want to be. And I know that something has got to give, something has got to change if I want to be happy about the work I am doing.

Do what you love, everyone says. But it’s hard. And it’s even harder to figure out what it is you love to do. It’s so easy to get stuck in a rut because of comfort or the lack of motivation to change. What I’m most scared of is that I’ll somehow get comfortable with this job (in general, and not this particular job scope I dislike ‘cos I doubt I’ll ever get to the point of being comfortable with it) and the salary and the stability that I might just not want to rock the boat. And then to wake up like 5 years later or more and wonder what happened to all my dreams. If I even get a millimeter close to that point, please slap me. Real hard.

Right now, I can’t see myself staying with the company after my bond is up. Heck, right now, I wish I could break the bond… except that there’s nothing waiting for me on the other side, so I figure I might as well suck it up and deal with it. I think that as this year passes, I need to think long and hard about what I want in my career and start making moves in that direction. These 2 years are a cushion; for me to get job experience and earn some money and really start figuring out what I want. And gain the bravery to do it. I need a plan yo.

Meanwhile, positivity has to be my new middle name. Somehow, I have to spin some positivity into my workday else I will go nuts.

Off-day tomorrow, thankGod! I was on MC on Monday cos I was feeling sick. Sore throat and headache plus unwillingness to go to work. Haha. So I spent $20+ to go to the doctor instead…. only to get a one day MC. Boooo. Was all woozy and out-of-it at work today cos of the meds. Haaaa. Now, I need to go cram for my M.5 exam tomorrow! Aaaaah. So much crap to remember and I need to get 75 questions right to pass. DAMNIT. I need to pass cos I so do not want to pay for my 2nd attempt at it (1st attempt is company-sponsored, after that you gotta bear some of the cost). Wish me luck, homies! :)

Also, I miss TbB. Withdrawal yo. :(

The posse. Saturday night. “Fun & flirty”. Cuban food. The promise of good-looking waiters (THEY LIED!). Sangria… strong sangria. Too small portions of food. Too much laughter. Insanity. Having fun with our waiter (who happened to be one of the two kinda cute ones!). A free Sex on the Beach. And the funkiest birthday song EVER! You always have the best birthday celebrations, Cal! I dunno how we’ll top this one! :D

Went to watch Spi.dey3 today with the mom with the tickets I got from work.

Let me preface this by saying that I always thought that Ma.guire was miscast as Spi.dey. Something about him bugs me. I can tahan him in other movies… but him as Spi.dey is extra-buggy. Which, of course, mars my experience of the whole Spider.man movie experience. I’m not particularly fond of Dun.st either (only time I liked her was in Crazy/Beautiful).

I remember liking the Spi.dey cartoons. I remember liking Pe.ter Parker and MJ. Movie versions? Not so much. What I’ve loved about the movies are the effects and seeing Spi.dey in action. He is TEH SHIZNIT when he’s swinging around with his webs. That’s cool shit yo.

ANYWAY. The movie:

(Spoilers about the movie behind the cut!)

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