and i u n f o l d

Given that 26 is pretty much heading into the later half of 20s, I wanted to do something special for myself to mark the occassion.

I wanted to do 2 things. I wanted to create my own visionboard with the things I want to attract to my life and I wanted to write a letter to myself which I will keep in a safe place and open on my 30th birthday.

FUN OR WHATTTTT. :P

I haven’t gotten around to doing either of those yet BUT I WILL. IWILLIWILLIWILL. Need to make the time. Need to stop being lazy and unproductive. Need to learn to live on less sleep? Haha!

I think I need to dial it back a little.

Pushed myself a little too hard this week; between dance class, yoga, pilates, my body couldn’t handle it. Add to that a virus going around at home and you got one sick puppy.

The suckiness really started Tuesday night when I was so tired but had a restless night. Felt crappy at work but I was determined to go for dance. Did Fre.dy’s first and then hightailed it to P O M O for Cand.y’s Plat.form class. I was arleady feeling lacklustre in MTV but felt like dying in Can.dy’s. Could not process the choreo… it’s a miracle I survived that and didn’t look like a trainwreck in the video. Haha.

I still felt bad on Thursday morning so I decided to call in sick. Which turned out to be the only good decision I’ve made this week. Haha. Doc diagnosed me with gastric flu, which explains my misery. I really hate having no appetite at all. Arghhhh. I’m on my 2nd day of MC… and I’m feeling a little bored. Probably gonna lie in bed and sleep. Or maybe read. Or I can catch up on tv shows. I need to feel better by Sunday cos I have 4 hours of rehearsal!

I guess I inadvertently gave myself a long weekend, eh?

It’s been nonstop action for the past 3 months. July was O p en Stu dio month. Work kept me on the edge in August and, of course, I celebrated my birthday. And got a brand-spankin-new room in the process! September wasn’t supposed to be busy but a last-minute offer to guest perform at The N.ext Wa.ve brought on a whole spate of rehearsals and stress. And there was also the Swa.gg Out dance classes. And it was fasting month. And it was capped off with me channelling my inner 14-year again at the Ba.ck.stre.et concert.

PHEWWWWW.

So many things to update. I will get around to it.

….. soon.

I’m at a point where I just wanna go hide in a cave.

It’s been a rough few weeks.

Work is overwhelming at times. There are a lot of new things happening and I’m in the thick of it. Trying hard to keep up and do the things that really need to be done. There are bad days and okay days and I sometimes feel like I have a fragile hold on my sanity/temper/composure. Underneath my poker face, of course.

The insanity has seemingly been transported to my personal life. Again, my hold on my sanity/temper/whatever is wavering… and I have a feeling I’m gonna lose it one of these days. Little things irritate me, things that have always existed suddenly become abrasive, innocuous words can piss me off. I almost rather stay silent these days than say something I’ll regret.

Dance is pretty much the only thing anchoring me right now. It’s the only time I can feel carefree and happy and like my normal (awesome) self. The best kind of escape.

But even that didn’t last cos last night I felt insecurity creep in about my collabo class next week. It isn’t good enough! I’m not dancing it the way I imagined it to be! It’s not interesting or memorable! I was wondering if I would start disliking it even before it sees the light of day.

I don’t enjoy being not happy. I don’t like being emotionally fragile. I don’t have the inclination, time or energy to deal with melodramatic bullshit.

I need to find a way to regain control over my life. This isn’t fun.

… Maybe I should go find a cave.

Yes, I am planning to do a picspam of Eastern Europe. It’s just feel overwhelming cos I have to look through 2,000 pics (not even kidding; my mom took that many pics!), pick the ones I like and then resize and caption. O___O Currently, I don’t have enough hours in the day to do that!

Between work, my yoga course, dance class and squeezing in time to chill out, there’s nothing left. I’m trying to take in as much “me”-time as possible cos the last two weeks of June will be major crunch time cos of the one week intensive at the end of the yoga course. I have my trial practical lesson tomorrow which I hope goes well. *crosses fingers*

In between all this stuff going on, there’s nervous excitement about dance. Something exciting coming up in July (need to start work on that, aaaaaah!). Heard some pretty mind-blowing news about John that felt like a kick in the ass. The new season of SYT.YCD is motivating me to get my ass in a jazz class, like now. I feel really inspired to step up, y’know?

Oh, and have I mentioned that I’m addicted to Twitter? HAHAHAHAHA. That shit is too addictive yo. I resisted for so long and just recently caved in and now I can’t get off that thing. If you don’t yet have a Twitter, I say STAY AWAY, SAVE YOUR SOUL. Wahahahah! :P

Lots of miscellanous things going on, it seems. But some stuff have fallen by the wayside. I haven’t hung out with the posse in months. Not just the posse though, aside from RS whom I see at class, I haven’t really caught up with most of my friends. Sorry guys! The clutter in my room is growing to epic proportions and I keep telling myself to do something about it. But, of course, laziness takes over. And I’ve disconnected myself from my family cos I somehow feel suffocated at home and just want to be a hermit (aka I feel a desperate need to move out & assert my independence). But that’s a story for another day.

Hmmm, I dunno… I guess my state of mind is a bit iffy these days. I need to get my shit together and get myself going in the right direction.

I got a lot of grief about my desire/decision to go to Ma ni la but despite that, I went through with it because I knew it was something that would make me happy and that I would regret it for a long time if I didn’t do it. And y’know, life is short so why deny yourself of something that will give you joy?

Yes, it was expensive. Yes, I was tired from traveling so much. But it was so absolutely worth it. \o/ \o/ \o/

May 16 2009 and August 14 2008 are absolutely Days to Remember for me. :D

(Lots of babbling, a few pics & links to YT videos of Dave’s set!)

(more…)

Thank goodness for free hotel wifi! :)

Holiday has been pretty awesome. Prague is beautiful! Krakow was a pleasant surprise cos I didn’t expect to be so charmed by it. Downside is the long bus rides. And my mom is driving me NUTS with her über camwhore-ness. Gaaah.

More details when I get back; typing on Cookie!pod can be a pain.

Another long bus ride to Budapest, Hungary. I hope the weather gets warmer as the forecast says. It’s been chilly the past 3 days which kills some of the fun. Damn global warming; it’s supposed to be spring dammit!

Off to my awesome, multi-destination holiday, bbs! I’m hitting Eastern Europe and Shanghai. And then I’m going to Manila with Nat & watching my Dave (and the other David) in concert! Ohhhh yeaaaaah.. \o/ \o/ \o/ You can expect a wedding announcement a novella of squee when I come home.

Take care, friends and enjoy the long weekend!

Funny how the older I get, the more I find myself unable to get along with my mom. It’s probably all on my end, cos I’m just prickly like that. It’s not even really big stuff, but just little everyday things that make me feel… *gestures helplessly*

But I feel like I’m coming close to the day when I finally just lose it and say something I will regret. And I don’t want to get to that point. As it is, I already feel like a terrible person for not appreciating my family.

God, I really need to get out. Out of this house, out of this country. Just away from here. I just want to be on my own. That’s all.